Petition to Mayor Olivia Chow and Doug Fors, Premier of Ontario: Advocate for More Road Closures in Toronto

Dear Mayor Olivia Chow and Doug Ford, Premier of Ontario,

We, the undersigned, urge you to take bold action by closing more roads in Toronto. We believe this initiative will bring numerous benefits to our city and its residents.

We certainly do not want to have a self-limiting mindset, so we leave the exact selection of streets to be closed to you! This city is a blank canvas for you to paint with orange traffic cones! We humbly suggest closing:

1. Queen Street (why stop at Bay St?)
2. Dundas Street
3. College Street
4. Bloor Street
5. University Avenue (Every. Lane.)
6. The Don Valley Parkway (isn’t it always flooded anyways?)
7. Bathurst Street
8. Jarvis Street

We propose that these road closures remain in effect until 2142, ensuring a long-term commitment to these positive changes.

We are not immune to concerns regarding long commutes, productivity loss, and lost time with family and those we love dearly, so we therefore propose forming a committee to consult with consultants to consider the possibility of forming a committee to study the benefits of measures to reduce congestion.

Additionally, we demand the formation of a committee with a $73 million budget to rename every street in Toronto and the tripling of the Toronto Police Services’ budget. They are simply doing an outstanding job, and we believe hard work should be rewarded!

To fund these initiatives, we propose implementing a 420% rise in property tax, defunding the Landlord Tenant Board, and closing all facilities run by Toronto Parks & Recreatiom.

Additionally, we propose replacing all subways and streetcars with shuttle buses, adding a layer of adventure to daily commutes. Each shuttle bus will short turn five stops before reaching your intended destination, encouraging walking and exploration of our beautiful city.

To make up for the increase in travel times, we propose suspending the enforcement of parking, red light, and speeding regulations, allowing residents to navigate the city with greater ease.

The reasons supporting these proposals, nay, demands, are as follows:

1.  Exhilaration Over Expediency: Arriving at destinations quickly lacks the excitement that comes with a journey. Delays due to road closures will enhance the thrill of reaching our goals, making every arrival an achievement worth celebrating.
2. Smell the Roses (and Car Fumes): In our fast-paced lives, we often forget to pause and appreciate our surroundings. With more road closures, we will have ample opportunities to take in the unique scents of the city, including the nostalgic aroma of car fumes, which is an integral part of urban living.
3. Combat the Cold with Climate Change: Toronto's harsh winters can be daunting. Increasing car exhaust through road closures will contribute to climate change, potentially warming our winters and making them more bearable. This is a creative solution to tackle our cold climate.
4. Appreciate Historical Hardships: Our ancestors faced significant challenges, traveling on foot or horseback. By closing roads and encouraging alternative means of transportation, we can develop a deeper appreciation for their resilience and tenacity. Embracing these historical hardships will build character and community spirit.
5. Strengthening Family Bonds: Sitting in traffic due to road closures provides a unique opportunity for families to spend quality time together. These shared moments in the car can bring families closer, fostering stronger relationships and meaningful conversations.

We believe that by implementing these measures, we can foster a city that values the journey, embraces its unique urban environment, honors its past, strengthens family bonds, encourages exploration, commits to long-term positive change, and provides practical solutions to the challenges posed. We kindly ask you to consider this petition and take steps towards a more exhilarating, fragrant, warmer, historically mindful, family-oriented, adventurous, committed, and accommodating Toronto.