The Crusade Against The Canada Goose Scourge

The Crusade Against The Canada Goose Scourge

June 8, 2022
Signatures: 145Next Goal: 200
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Why this petition matters

O People of the Land, there is no doubt that our Great Nation faces many hardships today. Much trial and tribulation has plagued our land, testing the might and patience of our people as it did before. From a bloody Revolution that had established the foundation of our country, to the pain and sorrow the Civil War had brought, killing our own blood-brothers as we fought a treacherous Confederacy that nearly shattered our Union, to the destruction of Pearl Harbor and the Nazi shroud of darkness that had almost enveloped the world, with each great tribulation we rose from the ashes of destruction only to grow ever-stronger as a Nation, determined to face any challenge and crush any threat that stands in our way. To paraphrase President George W. Bush's address to our nation in the face of adversity, these trials may shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American Resolve. 

I write to all Americans reading this petition to warn them today of yet another threat, one that has emerged from the dark clouds that hover above us, a threat that yet again challenges the might of our people, one that questions our Undying Resolve as did our enemies that came before. It is an enemy so vile, so wicked, yet so subtle and innocent looking, a devilish beast that has no doubt emerged from the bowels of hell causing much harm to our people and our great nation.

I write to all Americans reading this petition to warn them of the danger and evil that is, the Canada Goose.

They are a pestilence, a scourge upon the land. They foul our waterways and defile our fields with their wretched and wicked presence. Do not be fooled by the devils among our society that misguide and deceive the people about the reality of this wicked creature. The Canada Goose is an aggressive and invasive species, foreign to our lands. Not a neighborhood, golf course, or plot of land do they invade and occupy for themselves in the spring/summer except that when they leave in the autumn they leave it in ruin and rot, littered with unholy amounts of fecal matter, festering with bacteria and disease, wreaking havoc on our ecosystems, threatening the future and well-being of thousands of our native species, species we humans peacefully coexist with. They are evil pooping machines that mask their wickedness with their selective and manipulative staged displays of apparent weakness and need for bread, gaslighting the ignorant population and holding their emotions hostage with the innocence of their goslings. They invade our private properties and lands to nest their devilish eggs in order to continue breeding to spread destruction. They viciously attack innocent bystanders and anyone who dares walk within range of them.  The rampant explosion and rise of geese attacks has plagued our communities, but despite this the people are prevented from defending their properties and their lives due to the Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918 whose noble purpose has been tainted and twisted and hijacked with the inclusion of the Canada Goose, preventing people from using lethal force to defend themselves against these demons without special permits, permits shrouded in an impossible network of bureaucracy to get due to the corruption and manipulation of the geese-enabling human overlords and the hand their organizations have over our ignorant government representatives they've subjugated, their Grand Design to one day subjugate Humanity under the Will of the Goose. I have sat down and spoken to many survivors of geese violence and they all tell me the same story - enough is enough. No more thoughts and prayers only, they demand action, they demand justice and human retribution. The Canada Goose is a menace to society. It is time that our Great Nation recognizes these species for what they really are. We must rise up, just as we rose up to the call of duty of before, and save our great nation from this calamity we face today. We must recognize and affirm the sanctity of our lands and our dominance in the Animal Kingdom and reclaim our territories from these warmongering birds so that we may continue to allow our species, as humans, to live and prosper. There are over 1,000 unique species protected under this Treaty, and only the Canada Goose stands defiant against us. We cannot let the Canada Goose taint this great Treaty with their aggressions.

I call on Congress and the Commander-in-Chief, the President of the United States, and various wildlife agencies to work with us to help quell the Uprising of the Geese that has decimated our peaceful way of life and to regain control of their population as well as our lush, green territory they befoul with their presence.

As author of this petition, I proudly say that I am a front-line leader and champion in the Crusade against the Canada Goose Scourge and an advocate for their expulsion from North America. As so, I want to bring some solutions to the table on how we can re-attain total domination and control of the geese population to protect Humanity and sway our leaders and men of authority to take action but first I must explain the current legal status of the Canada Goose and how they came to be as that will influence and shape the solutions that I will propose.

The Canada Goose is a currently federally protected species that was included in the Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918, a time when hunting birds for feathers was unchecked and completely rampant, decimating many populations to near extinction. It is no doubt a noble treaty formed by a noble purpose. The act was an early landmark in conservation, at a time when birds were under intense hunting pressure and many of the public still regarded nature as inexhaustible. Nevertheless, Humanity had attained its dominance upon the green lands of North America and balanced its coexistence with North American nature, at last codifying our peaceful coexistence with the signing of this treaty. The evil Canada Goose was amongst many of the bird species closing near extinction before the MBTA was ratified. We could have let it die off however, with a sympathetic mind and grace and possibly a sway from the human devils overlords that lurked in the shadows of our government, the Canada Goose was included into this treaty as a protected species. There was peace, but as time progressed the population of the geese rose exponentially, unchecked, bringing back problems of the past we thought we had left behind. Although this treaty was amended multiple times, it did not address the issue of the Canada Goose whose population had exploded way over what we thought was containable. We must now recognize the Canada Goose is no longer a threatened species in need of federal protection and that they themselves have become a threat. We must rectify the mistakes that our forefathers unwittingly made when they included these species under the protection of the MBTA and left them unchecked as they grew in number and aggression, evolving into the abomination that they have become today.

The Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918 is a treaty between humanity and the various species listed within it, it is a piece of legislation that establishes and affirms the peace between these parties. Alas, times have changed and we can no longer hide behind this piece of legislation in regard to these beasts, the Canada Goose is no longer a species in peace with us.  And so, In order to confront the crisis we are facing with the Canada Goose, we must first amend the MBTA and remove this demon species from this treaty. By removing them from the treaty, we must also formally and legally acknowledge that we are no longer in peaceful relations with this species. Thus, in order to achieve our goals and find everlasting peace, we must move forward and declare war upon the Canada Goose, as did the Australians back in 1932 when they feared total subjection and possible annihilation and therefore declared war upon the Emus in a bid to survive and assure their survival in the region. As an alternative to the total removal of the Canada Goose from the MBTA, we may also amend the MBTA to temporarily lift all treaty protections for this particular species for a specified time in order to push through rapid population control tactics. We must also be cautious that a full-blown war with no clear direction and strategy could pit us into a quagmire of a potentially long-drawn conflict that might drastically deplete resources, and possibly the lives of many people.

In order to defend and preserve our Nation, Humanity, and the Environment against the threat of the Canada Goose Scourge, I am proposing a 3-Tier solution to help quell the Uprising of the Geese, starting with the first level and advancing to the next if the previous level's solutions has been deemed insufficient in our fight against the Canada Goose Scourge. As a show of mercy, we will exempt the goslings up until they are deemed indistinguishable from their parents, as well as nesting geese in order to preserve the sanctity of life, as wretched as their lives may be. With our Crusade being divided into 3 separate levels of strategy and implementation, this will no doubt divide the geese into three categories, exposing the reality and wickedness behind each group - The Beta Geese, The Alpha Geese, and the Omega Geese - the worst of them all. 




Level I - Deterrence & Expulsion 

The first level is an attempt to substantially reduce the geese population and expel the geese using mostly non-violent ways in order to persuade them to return to Canada where they belong. We will mobilize our wildlife government agencies and will pay and enlist voluntary civilian members to form anti-goose militias and reorganize existing militias to function as anti-goose deterrence squads. We will use all available methods of geese deterrence starting with methods that pro-goose extremist groups arbitrarily label as "humane", moving upwards in degree of severity where need-be. Methods may include the ritual discharging of firearms by the populace so that we may scare the geese away by temporarily removing city firearm ordinances in cities most heavily plagued by the Goose Menace in order that we may re-assert our human dominance with our raw display of firepower. This method will no doubt form great synergy with the people living in communities in which there is an extreme saturation of firearms. This method however may require a rather large increase in ammo demand across and nation and so, in order to counter and alleviate the stress in ammunition supply, our federal and state wildlife agencies and departments will set up stands within our communities in order that they may distribute ammunition to the people so that we may deter the geese without fear nor worry in regards to the ample availability of ammunition. Other methods can include government wildlife organizations and militia volunteers being deployed to areas to distribute bread filled with geese-deterring agents of foul taste as well as non-toxic chemicals to apply to the grass in order to persuade the geese that the habitats and neighborhoods they occupy do not offer tasty foods, reminding them that Canada is their true promised land that they must return to and permanently reside in. In areas where we are lacking wildlife control agents and militia volunteers, we may also mail residents, property owners, landlords, and other citizens, these anti-geese deterrents in order to fulfil our goals for deterrence and expulsion whilst not forsaking the people from having an opportunity to contribute to this noble and blessed cause. Through the methods and solutions of Level I, it is expected that much of the Beta Geese will give in to our tactics and fly North, never to return.


Level II - Internment & Containment

The second level is an escalatory step aimed to combat the more defiant of the geese packs that remain behind, the Alpha Geese, undeterred by the disincentive solutions of Level I. While the solutions of Level I may deter much of the lower pecking order classes such as the Beta Geese, other flocks who have grown a level of resilience against Humanity's Advance will continue to try to remain in our lands, dissuaded from superficial attempts that the first level may utilize. On top of everything the first level implements, the escalation of our efforts against the Canada Goose Scourge with Level II will demand that we mobilize our anti-goose militia forces and agencies even further with the support of US Military personnel if needed. Under Level II Containment Protocols, we will round up and capture the most stubborn geese that remain behind from the areas most plagued with geese oppression and geese violence and expel them from these heavily infested areas they cloud with their presence and hostility. We will then cage them and transport them to remote locations within our country en masse, setting up geese internment camps in the process. These internment camps will be open-air prisons built within the wilderness of our green lands, far away from civilized society, with the geese inducted into these camps being permanently clipped and sterilized to prevent breeding and passing down their dominant aggressive defiant genes that they may carry, contrary to the beta-geese that were deterred from Level I's tactics. Each goose will be numbered once inducted into the camps in order to be properly accounted for. They will be rationed out one anti-diarrheal pita bread per three geese, living mostly off of grazing the ground just as they normally would in our neighborhoods, each individual goose being imprisoned in the camp for exactly 5 years. In that time, they will walk around pondering upon the sky, eating the grass, whilst grasping the reality that their ill-fated migration into the United States was a grand mistake. After each inducted batch of geese has served their time, they will be deported to Canada, with Canada paying for their deportation costs. Through the methods and solutions of Level II, it is expected that much of the Alpha Geese will successfully be subjugated by our tactics, drastically reducing their overabundant population at the relief of our people who previously were forced to live in fear and discomfort alongside them.


Level III - Culling & Extermination

Though I am optimistic of our previous, non-violent methods of engagement proving successful against most of the Geese Menace once implemented, no doubt that the most evil of the flocks - the Omega Geese - will continue to remain defiant in their willingness to stay firmly in our lands, ever-evasive towards our tactics of population control. As our forces move to capture and process much of the Alpha Geese through the implementation of Level II Containment Protocols, the Omega Geese of the flocks may quickly adapt to our strategies and actively attempt to evade capture, possibly growing violent in rebellion, unleashing attacks against our wildlife agencies, militias, and the general people. They may even resort to targeting our commercial planes as they did on January 15th 2009 when they downed U.S. Airways Flight 1549 in a terrorist-inspired kamikaze geese attack that shook the nation. In addition to their evasive maneuvers and escalations of violence they may rapidly attempt to re-breed, possibly even during post-breeding season against all scientific odds in an attempt to blackmail the population with the innocence of their goslings. In order to see through their deception and impede their efforts to potentially take advantage of our mercy rule we have towards goslings and active parents, we must pre-emptively establish a date upon the escalation of Level III Culling Protocols in which no goslings strategically conceived after Level III Culling Protocols have been implemented are to be under the grace of our forbearance. It is at this phase that we will most likely be in a full-blown conflict with the remainder of the omega-run flocks. Local offices and set up booths will be rapidly deployed to neighborhoods and residences in order to rapidly enlist young men to help advance our efforts against the Flocks of Evil that remain steadfast upon tyranny and aggression that refuse to surrender. If necessary, we will initiate a nationwide draft through the Selective Service registry in order to supply our nation with young, able-bodied men in our fight against the final flocks of the Omega Geese. It is at this point that we will need to pump black and white anti-goose propaganda clips, films, and TV shows in the same style of our beloved WWII propaganda cinematography from before in order to help spread awareness of our conflict yet keep morale high amongst the populace in our fight for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. 

With a task as great as this, much firepower is to be needed. I say that in case we must invoke Level III Culling Protocols, we are to temporarily set aside the regulatory process of the National Firearms Act of 1934, the Hughes Amendment, and all applicable laws regulating fully-automatic firearms, and provide and lend law-abiding citizens with machine guns and ammunition with special temporary permits in order that they may cleanse the neighborhoods and residences of the final enclaves of the rebellious geese that remain resistant till the very end. We will hunt them down in every corner and crevice as we did the Nazis when they sought to bring all of Europe under their hand, when the Allies approached upon the city of Berlin besieging them, where the Nazis made their defiant last stand against the Bastions of Freedom.



By reading my petition, many of you might think of the Great Emu War that Australia engaged in back in 1932. No doubt there are similarities between my solutions and the solutions that Australia implemented in order to protect themselves from the threat of a looming menace that had threatened their way of livelihood. Although their war did not stop the Emus entirely, I have no doubt that with my 3-Tier solution we will succeed in regaining control of the geese population, properly containing them. Unlike the direction I have provided with my strategy towards the Canada Goose Scourge, the Emu War had no actual strategy or plan, quickly pitting the Australians into a quagmire which ended up evolving into a guerilla-style, vigilante bounty-hunting campaign. It is not a permanent solution to their Emu woes but with my detailed methods and solutions I am confident that we will contain the Goose Menace threat once and for all.  

I eagerly await response from our President, military leaders, and wildlife departments to further discuss these solutions as I continue my campaign against the Canada Goose Scourge on a personal level. Our vision is clear, our salvation is at hand. We walk the path of righteousness on our march towards civilization and nothing, not even the human devil sympathizers and their pro-geese extremist organizations can stop us. Let us reclaim our destiny and cleanse the lands of North America from this Scourge that has wrought much evil upon the land. 


Yours Truly,

Dublin's Blue Lotus - Lord Commander of the Anti-Goose Militia Forces

Non nobis, Domine, non nobis, sed Nomini tuo da gloriam

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