Terry Real's Harmful Therapy Teaching On Working With People of Color Must Go!
Terry Real's Harmful Therapy Teaching On Working With People of Color Must Go!
The Issue
This petition has been updated. Please see here or Use the link below:
On July 31st 2024, Terry Real, the creator of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), an influential figure in the global mental health field, sent a deeply harmful public email, advising therapists on how to work with clients who experience discrimination, marginalization and oppression. His email has begun a chain of harm, and as this new approach is taught to therapists, it will painfully affect groups such as People of Color, LGBTQI, People with Disabilities and People Living with HIV.
In his email, he shared that in his modality, clients are asked to "delete the word offended from their vocabulary." He then instructs what words people should say when addressing harm caused to them. This instruction undermines the emotional safety of marginalized people and perpetuates abusive dynamics.
Terry is an influential white cishet man, whose advice to therapists is tone policing, white fragility and gaslighting being passed off as relational therapy. Marginalized people should be allowed to feel and express the truth of their experience. To insist that they center the comfort of those who hold more power and privilege in the world is oppressive.
Based on the above, the following is being requested in this petition:
1. Via email and other public platforms, Terry should issue a retraction of this guidance to therapists because of the far reaching harm it can cause.
2. Terry should engage in deeper anti racism and anti-oppressive training around working with marginalized people. We recommend the work of Resmaa Menakem, Ijeoma Oluo, Shawna Murray-Browne, Jennifer Mullan and Ken Hardy.
3. With support, Terry should interrogate what inside of him propelled him to issue an email such as this.
4. Terry should develop practices in his model that allow marginalized people to speak their truth and not weaponize "relationality" to silence others.
Terry's email can be seen below: (You can see the concerning piece in bold)
Dear Friends and Colleagues in the Relational Life Community,
Over the past two years, we have embarked on an important commitment to address Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging (DEIB) within the Relational Life Institute.
As a summary report from our esteemed DEIB consultant Deran Young (recipient of 2024’s Psychotherapy Networker’s Vanguard Award and founder and CEO of Black Therapists Rock), is now available on our learning platform, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on our growth and continuing efforts.
A little over two years ago, we at the Relational Life Institute and the Relational Life Foundation reached out to partner with Black Therapists Rock, offering full training in our school to its 30,000 members at whatever cost was affordable to them. Soon after, we formed a similar partnership with the Asian Mental Health Collective facilitated by Angela Lin.
As the founder of our school and the creator of Relational Life Training, I had spent close to forty years as a public voice fighting against the coercive force of patriarchy affecting all genders and its toxic impact on our relationships.
When writing my most recent book, US, I began to explore in earnest the coercive impact of racism and other forms of social marginalization. I knew it was time to extend the change agent focus of RLT beyond patriarchy to include race and other marginalized groups. I had a lot to learn. I was—and still am—deeply committed to deepening my understanding of DEIB issues.
As I began this journey, like a great many White leaders opening up to issues of diversity, I made my share of mistakes. Some people felt hurt, some angry. I’m grateful that most hung in with us and we repaired together. Deran, whose patience seemed as abundant as her wisdom, was critical in that process.
We expect to still make mistakes at the school, myself included. But as a group we are sincere, accountable, and at this point certainly more sophisticated than we were.
We are committed to continuously revamping our training and our teaching.
Of many examples, I’d like to share three specific things we’ve learned and are implementing:
1. Social Location
The common practice—for me, our RLT faculty, and trainers—is to begin our teachings by placing ourselves in explicit context.
For example, I routinely begin my classes with the following:
“I’m a White, heterosexual, cis-gendered, 74-year-old male, married 38 years, with all the privileges and blind spots that implies. If, as is quite likely, I say or do something that strikes someone as insensitive or even hurtful or offensive – while I respect your right to protect yourself and say nothing – my wish would be for you to speak up and address it so that we may, together, use the very relational skills we teach to deal and repair.”
2. Adaptations
A critical concept in RLT is the Adaptive Child part of us—the “you” you forged in childhood to cope with your situation. We are now adding to that the idea of a current Adaptive part of minoritized individuals—the way one deals with injury or minority stress not just in the past but in the present.
3. Self-Righteous Indignation
In RLT, we ask our clients to delete the word “offended” from their vocabulary. There is a difference between anger (e.g., “I’m angry.”) and indignation (e.g., “I’m angry because you’re terrible.”) That difference is shame.
Indignation can be helpful at the collective level: Racism offends me. But you do not offend me. In personal relationships, indignation is a form of contempt and grandiosity—it is toxic.
In RLT, we do not condone contempt or righteous indignation on both sides of the political spectrum, right or left. We are relational: Neither superior nor inferior to anyone.
Relationality is synonymous with respect and equality.
I, and all of us connected to RLT, strive to be open and continue learning. As the 12-Step Program says, one is recovering, not recovered. Dealing with the wounds of privilege and power is an ongoing process we face together in our community.
Your support and willingness to learn alongside us are invaluable.
In appreciation,
Terry Real
220
The Issue
This petition has been updated. Please see here or Use the link below:
On July 31st 2024, Terry Real, the creator of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), an influential figure in the global mental health field, sent a deeply harmful public email, advising therapists on how to work with clients who experience discrimination, marginalization and oppression. His email has begun a chain of harm, and as this new approach is taught to therapists, it will painfully affect groups such as People of Color, LGBTQI, People with Disabilities and People Living with HIV.
In his email, he shared that in his modality, clients are asked to "delete the word offended from their vocabulary." He then instructs what words people should say when addressing harm caused to them. This instruction undermines the emotional safety of marginalized people and perpetuates abusive dynamics.
Terry is an influential white cishet man, whose advice to therapists is tone policing, white fragility and gaslighting being passed off as relational therapy. Marginalized people should be allowed to feel and express the truth of their experience. To insist that they center the comfort of those who hold more power and privilege in the world is oppressive.
Based on the above, the following is being requested in this petition:
1. Via email and other public platforms, Terry should issue a retraction of this guidance to therapists because of the far reaching harm it can cause.
2. Terry should engage in deeper anti racism and anti-oppressive training around working with marginalized people. We recommend the work of Resmaa Menakem, Ijeoma Oluo, Shawna Murray-Browne, Jennifer Mullan and Ken Hardy.
3. With support, Terry should interrogate what inside of him propelled him to issue an email such as this.
4. Terry should develop practices in his model that allow marginalized people to speak their truth and not weaponize "relationality" to silence others.
Terry's email can be seen below: (You can see the concerning piece in bold)
Dear Friends and Colleagues in the Relational Life Community,
Over the past two years, we have embarked on an important commitment to address Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging (DEIB) within the Relational Life Institute.
As a summary report from our esteemed DEIB consultant Deran Young (recipient of 2024’s Psychotherapy Networker’s Vanguard Award and founder and CEO of Black Therapists Rock), is now available on our learning platform, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on our growth and continuing efforts.
A little over two years ago, we at the Relational Life Institute and the Relational Life Foundation reached out to partner with Black Therapists Rock, offering full training in our school to its 30,000 members at whatever cost was affordable to them. Soon after, we formed a similar partnership with the Asian Mental Health Collective facilitated by Angela Lin.
As the founder of our school and the creator of Relational Life Training, I had spent close to forty years as a public voice fighting against the coercive force of patriarchy affecting all genders and its toxic impact on our relationships.
When writing my most recent book, US, I began to explore in earnest the coercive impact of racism and other forms of social marginalization. I knew it was time to extend the change agent focus of RLT beyond patriarchy to include race and other marginalized groups. I had a lot to learn. I was—and still am—deeply committed to deepening my understanding of DEIB issues.
As I began this journey, like a great many White leaders opening up to issues of diversity, I made my share of mistakes. Some people felt hurt, some angry. I’m grateful that most hung in with us and we repaired together. Deran, whose patience seemed as abundant as her wisdom, was critical in that process.
We expect to still make mistakes at the school, myself included. But as a group we are sincere, accountable, and at this point certainly more sophisticated than we were.
We are committed to continuously revamping our training and our teaching.
Of many examples, I’d like to share three specific things we’ve learned and are implementing:
1. Social Location
The common practice—for me, our RLT faculty, and trainers—is to begin our teachings by placing ourselves in explicit context.
For example, I routinely begin my classes with the following:
“I’m a White, heterosexual, cis-gendered, 74-year-old male, married 38 years, with all the privileges and blind spots that implies. If, as is quite likely, I say or do something that strikes someone as insensitive or even hurtful or offensive – while I respect your right to protect yourself and say nothing – my wish would be for you to speak up and address it so that we may, together, use the very relational skills we teach to deal and repair.”
2. Adaptations
A critical concept in RLT is the Adaptive Child part of us—the “you” you forged in childhood to cope with your situation. We are now adding to that the idea of a current Adaptive part of minoritized individuals—the way one deals with injury or minority stress not just in the past but in the present.
3. Self-Righteous Indignation
In RLT, we ask our clients to delete the word “offended” from their vocabulary. There is a difference between anger (e.g., “I’m angry.”) and indignation (e.g., “I’m angry because you’re terrible.”) That difference is shame.
Indignation can be helpful at the collective level: Racism offends me. But you do not offend me. In personal relationships, indignation is a form of contempt and grandiosity—it is toxic.
In RLT, we do not condone contempt or righteous indignation on both sides of the political spectrum, right or left. We are relational: Neither superior nor inferior to anyone.
Relationality is synonymous with respect and equality.
I, and all of us connected to RLT, strive to be open and continue learning. As the 12-Step Program says, one is recovering, not recovered. Dealing with the wounds of privilege and power is an ongoing process we face together in our community.
Your support and willingness to learn alongside us are invaluable.
In appreciation,
Terry Real
220
Supporter Voices
Petition created on 8 September 2024