PETITION: FIX THE DAMN SPEAKERS AT DAVEY WAYNE’S
To whom it may concern (and apparently no one with working ears),

We, the tortured patrons of Davey Wayne’s, hereby unite in deafened solidarity to demand immediate action regarding the auditory war crime that is your current speaker system.

The once-vibrant temple of groove has devolved into an ear-shredding, distortion-drenched nightmare, a sonic wasteland where every bass hit sounds like a dumpster full of chainsaws being kicked down a hill, and every vocal line could double as a fax machine being strangled.

Your speakers aren’t “vintage.” They’re prehistoric, as if someone pulled them from the ruins of Pompeii, dusted them off, and decided, “Yeah, this’ll do.” The treble bites like a rabid mosquito in heat, the mids honk like a dying goose through a traffic cone, and the bass is so blown out it could rattle the fillings out of a corpse.

We’re not dancing — we’re dodging sonic shrapnel. The music doesn’t “bump,” it coughs blood through a megaphone. What was once a party has become a hostage situation.

We, the undersigned, demand:

A full replacement of whatever post-apocalyptic relics are hanging from your ceiling.
Compensation in the form of at least one free drink for every eardrum lost in the line of groove.
A public apology to sound itself for this ongoing assault.
Until then, know this: every song that blares through those fried, flapping speakers is another cry for help — from us, from the music, and from whatever god of funk you’ve clearly angered. gorgonzola perchance.

Fix. The. Damn. System.
Before someone mistakes your dance floor for a FEMA disaster zone.

Sincerely,
Maistro Curd the fourteenth