A little background before we begin. A few days ago, Matt Reeves dropped out of talks with Warner Brothers to direct the new standalone Batman movie aptly titled The Batman after just one week. This comes hot on the heels of Ben Affleck leaving the project as director after having been potentially attached to it for over a year. There's also word that he could be vacating the role of Batman altogether, which would be a major blow to DC's already struggling movie universe. Seeing as Warner Brothers is attempting to pump this movie out regardless of whether or not it has a director or writer attached to it, I'd like to propose a counter offer: let me direct it. 

I know several thoughts are coming to your mind right away such as "What makes you qualified to direct this new Batman movie?", "Why should I take this seriously?" and "If it's so easy to direct a Batman movie, why didn't I make this petition myself?" To answer those questions: I'm not, you shouldn't and because I did it first. I'm here to prove that I can get enough support to direct this movie based purely on the fact that it doesn't matter who's making it, this movie needs to be made and it needs to be made right away. Here are some reasons why:

1. I've directed a thing before 

"Cut". "Move to frame left". "Action". These are all phrases directors say and I know what they mean. I've even directed a student film or two in my time. Also I know how to listen to other people's direction. This is all important because I hear that Warner Brothers is more domineering than Christian Grey when it comes to DC movies. You still want to see The Batman in 2018? I'll sit down, shut up and direct it. Since their qualifications seem to be having a pulse, having minimal knowledge of the source material (we'll get to that in a second), and doing whatever it takes to release the movie before Marvel does it better, I think I fit the bill. 

2. I like Batman and I like good movies

The Dark Knight is one of the greatest movies of all time, Batman v Superman is not. Sure some people have taken to BvS, but I could make something that at least has a coherent plot. Also unlike Zack Snyder, I'm familiar with the character of Batman. Remember that time Batman spent 18 months plotting to murder Superman? Or that if you walked into the theater 90 minutes into the movie, Batman and Superman still hadn't done the thing the title promised? (Or really anything other than brood?) Or that both characters having a mother named Martha was a relevant plot point? I sure wish I didn't, but if that's what you want, I can do it.

3. I have the time to do it

Some of my recent accomplishments include catching 50 Pokemon in one weekend in Pokemon Go, harassing George Clooney's housekeeper on Twitter, and repeatedly sending Jon Hamm adoption papers in hopes that one day he'll respond. What this proves is that I've got plenty of time on my hands to direct and, now that I think about it, write and star in The Batman. David Ayer was given 6 weeks to write Suicide Squad, I'll do it in 5. 

4. You don't have to worry about me leaving due to creative differences

Wonder Woman lost Michelle MacLaren. The Batman has already burned through two directors. The Flash has courted or hired and subsequently lost Phil Lord and Chris Miller, Seth Grahame-Smith and Rick Famuyiwa, currently has no director and is undergoing extensive rewrites. These contenders all left because Warner Brothers has an idea of what they want already and could give two shits less about what the director brings to the table. Audience feedback has already made them drastically alter Suicide Squad and Justice League from their original direction. We live in a world where Aquaman is DC's least troubled production. Think about that for a second. So I humbly offer Warner Brothers a solution, if I direct The Batman, I will immediately give into all of their demands because I know my opinions on the film don't matter. I think that's more a more than fair compromise and it'll save them so much time negotiating.

5. I'm not a risky choice

In addition to the news that Matt Reeves was exiting The Batman, this week we also learned that Warner Brothers is courting Mel Gibson to direct Suicide Squad 2, which is one of the most batshit insane sentences ever to be published to film news websites. Like I didn't even know those words could be strung together in that exact order or that Mel Gibson and Suicide Squad could be used in the same sentence in a less believable manner than "Mel Gibson saw and liked Suicide Squad". I have nothing against the man as a filmmaker, Hacksaw Ridge is a fantastic movie, it's just such a bizarrely headline grabbing move. "Loose cannon director hired to direct movie about loose cannons", that's what it'll read. Of course you've got all the baggage that comes with hiring Mel Gibson as a director for that movie that you'd want a much simpler choice for The Batman. Now I have no Oscars, but at least I've never been recorded flinging any racial slurs, so I have that going for me. 

6. I'm cheap

Suicide Squad cost $175 million to make and it looks like a school of babies finger painted on the screen. I assume Will Smith cost half that budget because at this point he must be trying to remount his rap career after starring in Focus, After Earth and Collateral Beauty and realizing he needs a backup plan when the inevitable Fresh Prince/Fuller House rebootquel falls through. Warner Brothers is already paying Ben Affleck millions to pretend he likes playing Batman. Throw in special effects, marketing and Jeremy Irons's wicked opioid addiction and The Batman is already looking at a hefty price tag. How about save some money on a director and hire me? I'm a recent college graduate with nothing better to do, so I'll take the job for next to nothing. I'm really good at standing still and looking pretty. 

Let's make this happen. Let's see what lengths Warner Brothers is willing to go to in order to get The Batman made this decade. Sure they're probably going to announce that their search has resumed and they have a viable candidate sometime in the next week. But if they want this done their way, look no further, the complete package is right here. I'll give them the Batman movie they desperately need right now, but it's questionable if it's the one they deserve. If not, at least they can take comfort knowing their movie about an aquatic fish man might make it through pre-production.