Unicode: Give Us the Squirrel Emoji Now
Oh, dear. It really has become apparent how little Unicode thinks of the Eastern gray squirrel. While we applaud the consortium's decision to add gender-neutral characters and a woman in a hijab to smart phone emojis, and think it reflects the era we live in, they have also added a T. Rex. A T. Rex is extinct, FYI, and has been for 65 million years. That means it does not, in any way, reflect the era we live in. When you look out your window, you will not see a T. Rex. It's as much a part of our world today as, say, anything that is not a part of our world today. But apparently in the long line to wait to be an emoji, Unicode gives preference to things that no longer exist over things that are freaking everywhere. Like squirrels!
That's not all. They also gave an emoji to a sauropod. Do you know what a sauropod is? No, you don't. Not really. You've only been told what a sauropod is, and shown an illustration of one by an artist, and you were told, "This is a sauropod." But you were lied to: a sauropod doesn't exist! The artist was only guessing what it might have looked like! It died with T. Rex!
Why would you use a T. Rex or a sauropod in emojis, anyway? To pretend you're an asteroid so you can "emoji" them to an enemy as a way to say, "I'm coming for you"? Or as a way to say to your BFF about a girl you both hate, "That girl's jeans are extinct"?
These are not valid uses.
This new Unicode list just keeps getting more insulting the longer we look at it. A hedgehog? Really? Did the hedgehog have a petition, too? Or are you trying to find ways to put anything else on smart phone emojis before you add a squirrel? Why would anyone hedgehog someone else?
Readers, please sign our petition now. Send it to your friends. They release a new batch later this year. We need a Squirrel Emoji Now!
The Squirrel Census Team
What do you have against the Eastern gray squirrel? Why do you continue to ignore its presence? It's so common, it is synonymous with "common." It's the most common undomesticated animal in the Eastern half of the U.S., and it now numbers so many "across the pond" in Europe that they have initiated a campaign to "cull its numbers."
And yet it cannot be found in phone emojis.
Why, Unicode? Do you like and support the people in Europe who are killing the Eastern gray? Are you, in a sense, culling the Eastern gray from your emoji world?
Unicode, the signers of this petition demand that you immediately and without hesitation create and release the squirrel emoji. Now!
Look, we certainly agree that there are more pressing issues to solve in the world today. But one might also argue that you are keeping us from solving those pressing issues by not giving the world something it so obviously needs and deserves. You have distracted us by creating such an insulting lapse in communication options. And we cannot rest until it is solved.
We have been anticipating the squirrel emoji — and how we might use it — for a long time. But on June 21, 2016, you disappointed again. You released a batch of emojis for use on smart phones. You released 72 new emojis. Seventy. Two. These included a face with an apparent penis for a nose, a psychotic clown, disco man, and many others. But you did not include an Eastern gray squirrel. This was insulting enough.
You crossed the line, however, when you added a fox, and a butterfly, and a deer, and a lizard, and a rhino. And an owl? Owls eat squirrels! Is that why you added an owl?
The gorilla is cool. But the other animals are lame. OK, maybe not lame. We <heart> rhinos. But when was the last time you even saw a rhino or fox in real life?
And you added a squid? Squids aren't even from this planet!
Look out your window. See a squirrel? We bet you do.
Look at your phone. See a squirrel? We bet you don't. We demand that you solve this utter and total disconnect immediately.
You even have a chipmunk, for crying out loud! Holding an acorn??? What kind of people insult the Eastern gray that way. Eastern Gray is Chipmunk's big brother. Chipmunk looks up to Eastern Gray. Eastern Gray let Chipmunk have that acorn he's holding! Chipmunk, too, wonders why his big brother is not an emoji, but he is. You're messing with Chipmunk's little mind!
Also, you added a duck? A duck??? What does a duck even do??? Why would anyone send a duck to someone else? To warn them to duck??? You're all quacks!
We also noticed that you added a bald eagle. That's cool, and American. You know what else is American? An Eastern gray squirrel! The Eastern gray was parkouring through trees in what is now America long before humans came along! The Eastern gray has been living and dying on American soil for 30 million years! The Eastern gray is more American than Donald Trump!
The Eastern gray is more American than Donald Trump, Stephen Colbert (of The Colbert Report), and maybe even the bald eagle, COMBINED!
Here are some ways a squirrel emoji can be used:
- "I'm very busy this fall. (squirrel emoji)"
- Indicating you are trying to have sex with someone: (squirrel emoji) + (acorn emoji) (which you already have!!!)
- "I'm saving lots of money these days. (squirrel emoji)"
- "Those (taco emojis) might have had a little (squirrel emoji) meat in them. I'm feeling (sick man emoji)."
- "I don't know what's wrong with that guy. He's kind of unpredictable. He's (squirrel emoji)-y."
- "Oh, look, I just saw a (squirrel emoji)."
- "My college campus is overrun with (squirrel emojis)."
- "My town is overrun with (squirrel emojis)."
- "My city is overrun with (squirrel emojis)."
- "Whoopsie, I just ran over a (squirrel emoji). Bet Unicode is happy!"
Unicode: Give us the squirrel emoji now!
The Squirrel Census of Atlanta, GA
and all petition signers
P.S. We, the Squirrel Census, count squirrels in the Atlanta neighborhood of Inman Park. Know how many squirrels are here? We do! About 1,000. There's about 400,000 in the City of Atlanta. There's about a gazillion in the U.S.
Know how many are offered as emoji characters? Zero!