It’s time to rectify a generational injustice passed down for decades, possibly centuries. No longer will we give old candles to children as treats, laughing ourselves to sleep. No longer will we continue this cycle of bland, banal torment.

It’s time to replace candy corn (the worst Halloween treat) with corn from KFC (the best Halloween treat).

Imagine the looks of pure delight from children as they see corn being rained into their pillowcases and pumpkins. The smiles as they trade chocolate for sweet golden corn. This is the future we as humble suppliers of corn, and fried chicken, (which goes great as a side to corn), would like to build. With your help, no child will have to chew for too long, make a face and spit out candy corn ever again.  

How will we do this? We don’t know. We’ll hire a scientist or a garbage man or someone who kind of dabbles in either. Thank you.