We as the American people have known for years of the evil misdeeds committed by Senator Mitch McConnell. Some of these actions have resulted in the creation of soul-splitting Horcruxes. While the search for immortality is an admirable quest, the heinous acts taken in order to achieve the senator's immortal state are irreconcilable. As such, we request that the senator voluntarily hand over these artifacts as the alternative could result in easily avoidable conflict.