Recently I have been faced with a challenge I did not think I would be faced with considering the facts. My son has been asking me why my last name is not the same as his. I explain to him that I did not marry his father so my last name is the same last name my moms was when she had me.This question has come up on numerous occasions in the last three years, sometimes out of nowhere, sometimes after playing with friends who have two parents with the same last name. Over a year ago, after he asked again and this time he asked why his last name cannot be the same as mine. I asked him if he would like his last name to be the same as mine. His answer was yes. The reason his answer was yes; because for over three years now he has not had any contact with his father. Not a phone call, not a Christmas card, not even a birthday card. Nothing, he is just gone. I explained to my son that if I change his last name it will no longer be the same as his brother and his sister (from another mother). I explained that it will also no longer be the same as his dads. Without the entirety of our conversation he basically said that his brother and sister have the same last name as their mom and his dad isn’t really a dad. He’s right.

I petitioned the courts for a name change.  In the state of Wisconsin a name change will be denied if the non-petitioning parent appears and contests the name change. This is a great safegard for parents who are actually involved in their children’s lives and the petitioning parent is doing so for their own benefit or to hurt the non-petitioning parent. However; my case was denied because the non-petitioning parent appeared and contested the name change, after more than three years of being absent! This person is allowed to come out of nowhere and say that he does not want the child (whom he has made NO ATTEMPT in contacting) to change his last name. And to make it more evident that he does not care about this child, when asked by the judge how old this child is now, the non-petitioning parent could not answer the judge! He didn't even make an attempt to answer! File for abandonment, the judge advises. Was it not obvious that he has abandoned his child when your honor asked him how old he was and the non-petitioning parent could not answer! Was that not proof enough that he has abandoned his child?! So now I have to file for abandonment and then go through the entire process again?! The county will not persue the abandonment complaint I filed with which I was told if I wanted a reason I needed to write a written request. You cannot just tell me over the phone?? This is going to continue for how long? How long do parents who do not exercise the rights they should feel privileged to have get to stop their children from moving forward?  In regards to exercising the right to be a parent, a parent should physically and psychologically be there for the child(ren);  being an active role model for the child(ren), participating in scheduled visitations, calling the child(ren), sending holiday cards as well as birthday cards, wiping away tears when they are hurt  or scared, teaching the child(ren) independence, reading with the child(ren), etc.  Exercising the right to be a parent is being continuously involved in the life of the child(ren). How many other children are suffering the same emotional damage of a parent who so clearly does not want to be, or after this amount of time has passed deserve to be, a parent? Why do these people continue to get to make decisions for the child(ren) when they are not even a part of the childrens lives? Court ordered child support should not play a role in being a responsible parent. Parental responsibility is physically and psychologically being there for the child(ren), it is more than a tiny paycheck. If a paycheck is all that gives a parent the rights to a child then I say keep the money and emotionally free the child. It would be less damaging for my son if I were able to tell him that I am his only parent than trying to explain to him over and over again why his father does not want to see him, call him, or send him a card in the mail for holidays and his birthday. Additionally, the non-petitioning parent’s family has not had any contact in almost seven years. My son knows of one family, and that family gives him all the love and support he can imagine.

I propose that there be an amendment to the law regarding the name change of a minor. I propose that if the non-petitioning parent has not exercised his/her right to be a parent in a time period of one year or more they have waived their rights to contest a name change. A parent who has not been involved in a child’s life for that amount of time obviously has no regard to how that absence impacts the child and should not be able to hold title to the child.

I also propose a change in the involuntary termination of parental rights law. I propose that rather than first filing for abandonment, then filing for termination, abandonment after a period of a year or more immediately terminates the rights of a parent who has failed to make any attempt of contact (i.e. physical placement, phone calls, etc.) as long as that contact occurred in an age where there is substantial benefit to the child. Currently abandonment may be filed after six months if there is no contact, this abandonment law still allows a parent to his/her legal rights. With the amendment I propose that after a year of abandonment those rights be stripped and an involuntary termination of rights coincides.

There are too many single parents, mothers and fathers, who have been granted sole custody and primary physical placement who do not have sole legal rights to the child(ren). These parents have to answer all of the hard questions about the absent parents who have completely abandoned the child emotionally and physically, these single parents have to wipe away the tears of their broken down little babes because they don’t have all of the answers, these parents have to work twice as hard to ensure their child doesn’t feel like they are missing out in activities. There are dads who play with princesses and make-up for their girls, there are moms who have to learn how to play sports and dig in the dirt for their boys, just to try to fill the voids of the absent parents. They do all of this without hesitation because their children are their responsibility and their world. They do it because it is their privledge and they put their children above themselves. 

Please join me in the fight for our children to be free from absent parents who repress them with legal actions but do not uplift them with their positive impacts.