TO: World Leaders, Especially the Esteemed Leaders of Canada and Mexico

We, the undersigned, recognising the sheer geopolitical and cultural absurdity of the current name “United States of America,” hereby implore the global community - and particularly the wise and diplomatic neighbours to the immediate north and south - to lead the charge in officially renaming the USA.

For too long, the name “United States of America” has been misleading, presumptuous, and frankly, unearned. Consider the following:

1. “United” is debatable – If recent history has shown anything, it’s that the USA is more The Divided States of Perpetual Bickering.
2. “States” is generic – There are states everywhere. Even Australia has states. Big deal.
3. “Of America” is arrogant – The entire continent is “America.” Why does one country get to hog the name? We call Argentina “Argentina”, not “United Provinces of South America.”

Thus, we propose a more accurate and globally responsible name for this overgrown federation. Below are some options, each carefully curated for historical and cultural accuracy:

• Lesser Canada – A logical downgrade.

• Lower Canada – Closer to sea level and lower in healthcare rankings.

• Southern Canada – May soften international relations.

• Canada Sud - Because French. 

• Central North America - Bland and accurate. 

• North Mexico – Historically justified.

• Texas & Pals – Honest and legally binding.

• Diabetestan – A nod to its national obsession: processed sugar.

• Cannotada – There are two types of countries: Cans and Can’ts. The US has been a complete Can’t, for quite some time.

• The Buffer Zone – Nestled between two nations who probably regret the arrangement.

• Baja Canada – Technically accurate.

• X - Win the favour of their real leader. Might get you a ride on his space rocket. Woosh!

• Idaho - funny place, Idaho. US of A has been using the big-boy name (America) for years. Probably time they recognised the little guy. Idaho is a microcosm of the US. The only thing many people know and respect about that state and The States, is their affiliation with Keanu. Keanu is great.

We call upon world leaders, especially the respected heads of Canada and Mexico, to take action and officially update their diplomatic terminology, world maps, and trade agreements to reflect a name more suited to modern realities.

Let it be known that if leaders of the [soon-to-be former] United States can arbitrarily rename the “Gulf of Mexico” as the “Gulf of America,” then surely this proposal carries equal, if not greater, legitimacy.

We await your swift and reasonable response.

ADDENDUM TO THE PETITION:

Should world leaders fail to reach consensus on a proper renaming of the USA, we are willing to accept an alternative diplomatic resolution: Canada, Mexico, and Cuba may officially rename themselves “America.”

This pragmatic solution would:

1. Correct Historical Inaccuracies – The USA has unjustly monopolized the term “America” for centuries. By redistributing the name among its more deserving continental peers, justice will be restored.
2. Enhance Global Clarity – If all three nations adopt the name “America,” then the current United States can no longer claim it exclusively. They will simply be known as That One Country Between Americas.
3. Trigger Beautiful Bureaucratic Chaos - The USA would be forced to scramble for a new name, thus achieving our original goal through sheer logistical inconvenience.

Under this revised plan, we suggest the following official renaming schema:

• Canada → America Deluxe – The premium version, with free healthcare.

• Mexico → America Original – The one with the best food and culture.

• Cuba → America Classic – The version the USA tried to delete.

Meanwhile, the current USA, deprived of its signature branding, will have no choice but to adopt one of the pre-approved alternate names outlined in our petition.

We eagerly await the swift adoption of this policy and look forward to its implementation in all international treaties, passports, and Olympic opening ceremonies.