It was a chilly Sunday evening in a tiny little house on Sycamore Drive when Michael Harriot turned on his video jukebox to enjoy the latest episode of the hit television show “Snapped.” As he laid back on his couch with an aperitif, ready to see how another white lady with an anachronistic hairstyle who used a little too much hair spray and blonde dye would hatch a harebraned scheme to kill her husband and run of with the town tractor mechanic Jimbob Fletcher and $48,500 dollars in life insurance money, Michael would discover something that would change his life forever:

Sharon Martin was gone.

WTF is this sh*t?

Harpo, who dis woman narrating Snapped sounding like she’s NOT Sharon Martin? And more importantly, who killed Sharon Martin? 

Now, for all I know, Sharon Martin my still be alive and well but that wouldn’t make any sense because one would CLEARLY have to be insane to choose this Great Value-voiced replacement over the greatest narrator of homicides-disguised-as-botched-robberies of all time! (No disrespect to whoever this Siri-sounding substitute teacher-ass lady is, she’s  just NOT Sharon Martin!)

Ok, Maybe just a little disrespect.

But mind you, you should not take what I’m saying seriously because I’m obviously grieving over Sharon Martin’s death. Who else is gonna give us an annoying recap after EVERY commercial, as if we hadn’t been sitting here watching this whole time? Who else is gonna announce the verdict like we didn’t already know the lady was going to be convicted for spiking her husbands coffee with anti-freeze? No one could describe a killer’s “troubled” high school years the same way, week after week like Sharon could, May she Rest In Peace.

wait...

Sharon is still alive? 

Oh, hell no!

if y’all don’t fire this Alexa-sounding, conference-line like telemarketer off my TV and bring back Sharon Martin, I’m gonna hire a hit man who’s probably an undercover cop and, sure, I won’t ask why that wire is dangling from under his shirt because I’m sure it’s nothing. He’s definitely not a cop because I’m pretty sure they have to tell you if you ask. After all, Sharon taught me that there are plenty of people who will kill someone for $680 and a 14-karat gold pendant and make it look like a botched robbery (By the way, is it just me, or are there more botched robberies than REAL robberies?  And why don’t botched-robbery hit men ever take anything of value? It seems like that would be the first thing you do. It’s not like anyone’s gonna tell. The only witness is dead! Hasn’t Sharon taught you ANYTHING?)

But that’s not what I’m gonna do.

If you don’t bring back Sharon Martin, I’m gonna start a competing show called “Unsnapped” and let Sharon Martin host. And on this show, we will give all the disgruntled wives tips on how to not get caught. We’ll teach them how to dig VERY deep graves (because they always put the victim in a “shallow grave.” In fact, 59% of most murder convictions are because someone skimped on the grave-digging.) We’ll tell them not to use their credit card to buy tarp and shovels from Home Depot because they ALWAYS get caught on camera. (They always buy tarp. I think anyone who purchases tarp should be investigated.) 

And you know what will happen ?

women will stop getting in trouble and there will be NO MORE SNAPPED!

Because—as far as I’m concerned —as long as this bootleg Google Maps-ass lady is the narrator (again, no disrespect)  THERE IS NO “Snapped.”

So sign this so they can bring back Sharon Martin before I snap.

Please?