My name is Mike, and as a citizen of not only the United States, but the world as a whole - I’ve had enough.

Picture this: you’ve spent your entire adult life working in restaurants. A pandemic unlike anything ever seen before comes around and devastates local, national and international economies. The economic fallout is felt particularly hard in the service industry, with more and more regulations being levied against you in an effort to mitigate the spread of COVID-19. Your way of life, along with millions of other members of society, is completely decimated. Just when it feels like there’s no hope left, the clouds part and the sun shines through; a choir of angels sings softly in the distance. There they are - glowing with a slightly artificial orange iridescence - the Spicy Chicken McNuggets. You take your first bite, and your brain’s serotonin production ramps up to full capacity. A single teardrop streams down your cheek as you’re filled with pure, unadulterated bliss. Maybe life is going to be okay after all, maybe there’s a grand plan behind all the pain and suffering the year 2020 has wrought on humanity. 

Now picture this: you go to McDonald’s one day on your way to work. You don’t have much time, but you need to get your fix. You throw your mask on, pull into the drive thru line, and rehearse your order in your head. 10 piece spicy nugget meal, make it a large, with a Sprite crispy enough to make your hair stand on end. Screw it, throw a Chips Ahoy McFlurry on there, you’ve earned it.  You get up to the speaker and hear “welcome to McDonald’s, what can I get started for you?” As soon as the words “spicy nuggets” leave your mouth, the soft, kind voice on the other end regrettably informs you that they ran out of spicy McNuggets, as they were a limited release item. You can tell she’s heartbroken too. Just like that, for the 1,273rd time this year, your world is turned upside down. You’re flooded with emotions - you want to revert back to childhood and scream and sob and flail around on the floor. You want to draw a bath and listen to John Legend while you solemnly drink a bottle of red wine. You want your spicy nuggets back, and you want them back now. A few weeks later, you see that the war criminals in charge of the menu items have replaced your beloved Spicy Chicken McNuggets with the abomination that is the McRib, and you take a moment to wonder - McDonald’s, why did you turn your back on us. What have we, your loyal servants, done to deserve this?  

Now, my life hasn’t always been easy. 2020 aside, I’ve been through some trials and tribulations. There have been lessons I’ve had to learn the hard way; a particularly difficult sentiment I’ve had to wrap my head around is that not everyone has your best interest at heart. I’ve been stabbed in the back before, sure. Everyone has at one point or another. From that, I learned who to trust and who not to trust. Never, in all my years of existence, did I think that Ronald McDonald himself would be the one with the knife in my back. But here we sit. 

My fellow Americans, I implore you to take but a moment out of your day to stand with me against the tyrannical structures that be. We are the land of the free, and the home of the brave, but our freedoms are actively being infringed upon. I ask you this - who are they to deny us the manna from heaven? Let your voices ring out through the streets. We will not rest until McDonald’s rights their wrongs and brings back the Spicy McNuggets as a permanent fixture to their menu.