A MODEST PROPOSAL TO CANCEL WINTER

ARTICLE I: WINTER HAS GONE TOO FAR

Look, I know we’ve all had our share of unsubstantiated nonsense these past few years.

Personally, I used to be a human furnace at 265 pounds. Now I’m down to 172, and in the course of this dramatic transformation, I have uncovered a horrifying truth:

Winter is a scam.

That’s right.

A scam.

I don’t have proof.

I don’t have evidence.

I barely have a plan.

But I do have questions.

And frankly, the people responsible for Winter seem awfully unwilling to answer them.

Who approved this?

Where are the records?

Where are the meeting minutes?

Who signed off on six months of cold, darkness, dead trees, frozen windshields, seasonal depression, and that weird moment every morning when you stand in your driveway questioning every decision that led you to this exact point in life?

We’ve submitted multiple Freedom of Information Act requests seeking documentation regarding the original authorization of Winter.

To date, no agency has confirmed responsibility.

The silence is deafening.

ARTICLE II: DEMANDS OF THE PEOPLE

We are not extremists.

We are not radicals.

We are ordinary citizens asking reasonable questions.

Questions such as:

Why does February exist?
Why does wind get colder when it’s already cold?
Why are we pretending black ice is acceptable?
Why must every windshield become an archaeological excavation site at 5:00 AM?
Why do bears get to sleep through this but the rest of us have to go to work?
Therefore, we demand:

Section 1: Winter Reduction

Winter shall be reduced from six months to a more reasonable two-week holiday event.

Three weeks during leap years.

Section 2: Snow Redistribution

Any snowfall exceeding three inches shall immediately be transferred to Canada.

They seem equipped for it.

Section 3: Wind Chill Regulation

Wind chill shall require a permit.

No temperature shall be allowed to “feel like” another temperature.

That’s fraud.

Section 4: Ohio Protection Initiative

A giant space heater shall be installed above Ohio.

Funding source to be determined.

Preferably somebody else’s taxes.

ARTICLE III: KNOWN CONSPIRATORS

The following individuals and organizations remain persons of interest:

Groundhogs
The Winter Olympics
Big Scarf
The Ice Scraper Industry
Whoever invented black ice
Every coworker who says “Cold enough for ya?”
That one guy posting beach photos from Florida in January
Canada (pending investigation)
Additional subpoenas may be issued as evidence develops.

SCIENTIFIC FACTS THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW

Hospital admissions increase during severe cold weather.
Bears looked at winter and decided unconsciousness was the correct response.
Nobody has ever looked truly comfortable in a puffy coat.
The phrase “winter wonderland” was clearly written indoors.
Every year, thousands of Americans briefly consider setting their alarm clock on fire rather than scraping ice off their windshield before work.
These facts are inconvenient but must be discussed.

PROPOSED SOLUTIONS

Install a giant space heater above Ohio.
Relocate winter to Mars.
Send Mother Nature to Tahiti for a long weekend.
Replace snow with mildly disappointing confetti.
Politely but firmly ask winter to leave.
FINAL DECLARATION

We are not asking for perfection.

We are not asking for tropical beaches.

We are not even asking for competence.

We are simply demanding accountability.

Who authorized Winter?

Where are the records?

Why was Ohio not consulted?

And most importantly:

If bears can sleep through this nonsense, why can’t we?

Sign below if you’ve ever scraped ice off a windshield before sunrise while questioning every life decision that brought you to that moment.

Together, we can build a future where winter is reduced, regulated, and finally held accountable.

Notice how the humor comes from treating a completely impossible complaint like a serious legislative issue. That’s the vein I’d keep mining throughout the piece. The more official the language becomes, the funnier the absurd demands tend to be.