A MODEST PROPOSAL TO CANCEL WINTER

Look, I used to be a human furnace at 265 lbs, but now at 172, I've made a shocking discovery: Winter is a SCAM! And I've got some questions...

The time has come For us to consider a nationwide ban on the length of winter. While this may seem unachievable, unrealistic, unprecedented, or even completely ridiculous. It is our focus to to push the people with those opinions out of our way. Because in 2025 it is time for more robust solutions to combat extreme weather conditions and narrow sighted jack wagons to come to terms with the scientific consensus that perhaps technologies exist that could modify weather conditions. Have any of you asked? Well.. let’s start there.

Severe cold impacts everyone, from increased health risks such as hypothermia and frostbite, to affecting our roads, schools, and our day-to-day lives. During the winter, hospital admissions increase by around 20%, showcasing the dire consequences of extreme cold (source: CDC). We call upon our legislators to consider our demands and invest in solutions to mitigate the harsh impacts of winter weather. If you have struggled through the cold, let your voice be heard.

So I propose it’s time we stood up to Mother Nature for the good of the nation and put our foot down and see if we can’t compromise, just a little bit...

I mean honestly, who does Mother Nature even think they are?! Let’s get some public funding together and send that bitch away to a weekend in Tahiti and see if she doesn’t agree maybe the whole current duration of winter is a little unreasonable.. it’s a thought? Id chip in on that.

WHO AUTHORIZED THIS?! Six months of cold? In this economy??

I wouldn’t know but I do know there is paper trail for whoever commissioned this bs.  Look people, we have got to fight for our right  to party or have you all forgotten this national anthem? 

I don’t remember who wrote it but I’m sure they are equally shocked and/or appalled at the stark hypocrisy and lack of compassion we see this day and age for the absence of this rage against the Machine we’ve all heard so much about that has yet to materialize. 

Yes, somebody sign this bitch. With this petition, let's fight against the unbearable cold together!

To all the winter enthusiasts out there saying "but skiing!" and "but hot cocoa!" - respectfully, I don’t give a damn and you can cheerfully take that nonsense and shove it. You think the rest of us give a damn what you think?! You probably think socks with sandals are fashionable & wipe your azz with the back of your shirt too! Yeh, that’s I thought.. take that bs way over there & keep it over there too, away from reasonable folk. 

SCIENTIFIC FACTS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW:

-Cold weather is funded and sponsored by terrorists (probably)

-Cincinnati crackheads work harder than meth dealers during winter, there’s no excuse for this! (local metrics)—

-Hospital admissions go up 20% (CDC, no but like, actually)

-Bears sleep through this nonsense (we’re manimals too! Why do they get a pass?!)

-Bill Nye never explained why we can't just turn up Earth's thermostat, he’s part of this too! (Why doesn’t he team up with Tyson to fix this already? Wait is it too late to change what this petition is for?)

FACT
- Nobody has ever looked good in a puffy coat. Nobody.

PROPOSED SOLUTIONS:
-Install a giant space heater above Ohio

-Relocate winter to Mars (Elon, call me)

-Ask winter politely, but firmly, to leave

Yes, were serious.
This is a serious petition.

Only for our serious policymakers, who definitely have control over seasonal weather patterns, because I said so.

We demand negotiations with winter to reduce its contract from 6 months to a more reasonable 2-week holiday period give or take a month maximum. 

Side note: If you're one of those "but winter is a necessary astronomical phenomenon" people, I'm gonna need you to take that logic annd blow it out your azz somewhere else, we can’t hear you. This cincinnati Ohio, the only place in this audacious travesty of a calamity of a cantankerous nation which also happens to be the heart of Merica. Yes, some people may be really bad at what we do but we always manage to get the job done and don’t you forget it.  -This is a land where we regularly eat chili on spaghetti and like it too! Clearly, we're not bound by the laws of nature.

Yes, we all knew winter was coming but now that it’s here it’s time to do something about it! 
We have had enough and welcome you to sign this, our petition. 

With this petition, I'm urging for legislation to start taking this issue for seriously. You guys, I mean come on. Let’s go!

Sign this petition if you've ever had to scrape ice off your windshield at 4-6am while questioning all your life choices and decisions that led to this moment.

Together, we can make winter submit to our demands! 🥶

#CancelWinter025 #OhioVsMotherNature #WeWantRefunds #StuffnDealComics #EatAtJoes #GawdDamnYouWinter #HeartofMerica #TasteofCincinastiest