Are you sick of the Irish weather? Do you want a better tourism trade for your country? Is this whole European Union crap wrecking your buzz?

Well, here is a solution:

We need as many on-line signatures we can get to approach the Irish government about towing the entire island to a warmer,happier, climate.

We need 500,000 signatures to put our plan into action.

If our calculations are correct, approximately 7,000 tug boats will be needed to tow the country on the 4,000 mile trek to the west coast of Africa.

Once in international waters, we can then occupy the six counties and take back what is rightfully ours.

All ousted Ulster residents, who wish to leave the island peacefully, will be dropped off on the Portuguese coast for collection by the British authorities. Those who retaliate will be detained and made work on large potato plantations.

European bailout funds will be used to create a whole new tourist industry. Hotels, large resorts, golf courses and fruit farms will be funded entirely from the billions we received from the EU over the past 3 years.

All communications with the mainland will have to cease, until they stop ringing us looking for their money back. This could take some time. But it will be worth it.

The name 'Ireland' will also have to be changed for obvious reasons. But that is something we can all think about later. Eire sounds good to me. Shure, they won't know a thing.

So, are you up for it?

This will be a fresh start in the sun for us all. Please think carefully before signing this petition as it will affect your future, and your children's future too. But all for the better.