As some of my close friends and family may know, it is my humble dream to one day work for The Onion, and those of you familiar with The Black Sheep, know it is basically The Onion but catered to the interests of college kids, and each branch of The Black Sheep is modeled to a specific college campus. Thankfully there is a branch of The Black Sheep at UIUC, and so I don't have to transfer schools for the fourth time. I recently uncovered this gem on the internet known as "Clickhole Should Definitely Hire Me" posted by Rachel Brown, and after signing that petition (which you all should also do here ) I decided to create my own petition because lets be honest, I really don't have anything better to do with my time. I made it pretty far in the application process when I applied this month, and it was the interview (aka the final step before being hired as a writer) that ended my career as an aspiring sheep. So I call on you my friends, and foes, to find the kindness at the bottom of your heart to please sign this petition, and share it with all every single person and dog you know on the internet, and so hopefully it will find it's way to through the flock, and back to the shepherds (editors), and they will reconsider hiring me. If you aren't convinced by the above heartwarming explanation, I have composed a list below of 5 reasons why I am the best candidate to work for the Black Sheep. 

1.  My Nose is Almost Completely Desensitized.

After working for the university dining hall for nearly a month, I have been exposed to a plethora of unusual sensory stimuli. I am now confident in my ability to withstand any and all abnormal smells. Need someone to write a profile on a KAMS regular? Look no further! You will finally have a writer on staff who doesn't need to be completely smashed in order to refrain from passing out after 5 minutes of inhaling the stench given off by that Illini national landmark.

2. I Can Rap Every Word To Eminem's "Without Me."

I know this doesn't prove much other than I had a lot of free time in 7th grade, but if my brain can hold on to that basically useless talent for so long, just imagine all the useful information it holds! Need someone to memorize a list of ways Phyllis Wise is unethical and write a witty article explaining their importance? I won't even need to look at a cheat sheet while I'm writing.

3. I Have Already Experienced the Peak of my Shame

Have you heard of that ratchet girl who projectile vomited on a CUMTD bus on her way to Marketplace Mall? Well that was me. If that situation doesn't sound horrible enough, I then proceeded to walk 45 minutes from the place I vomited, down frat row, all the way back to the 6 pack, in broad daylight (seriously, it was 3pm when this happened). You won't need to worry about uncovering any skeletons in my closet because all my skeletons are already out in the open. Also if you need someone to write an article that requires them to put themselves in one or more embarrassing situations, you wont need to force anyone else to degrade themselves because I already have no shame. It is fine. 

4. I Have Really Great Shirts With Literary Puns on Them

I also have great shirts with non-literary puns on them as well. I would explain the greatness of these shirts, but trust me, you would much rather see them in person. Just think of all of the ice-breaking conversations that will stem from my clothing aesthetic? If this job will ever require me to interview another human being, they won't be intimidated because I dress like the meme-loving joke that I am, and they will feel at ease by my presence.

5. I am a Joke

As a writer for a satirical magazine, it's important to come up with some funny jokes, and that ability doesn't always come easy to everyone. Luckily for you, I don't need to spend hours coming up with witty topics to write about because everything I do is already a joke, so that ability not only comes naturally to me, but is an essential component of my being. Writer's block won't be an issue for me because worst-case scenario, I can write about something I did that week that my roommate thought was embarrassing, and trust me, that gold mine isn't going to be tapped out anytime soon.

So please, editors of The Black Sheep at UIUC, think of the wonderful addition I will be to your magazine. I encourage you to find room in your hearts, and on your staff, for me, Cara Fattori. I am aware that this is a long shot, and that I wasn't the most articulate human during my interview, but my mom, and my professors have told me that I can write a damn good article, and I want this position bad enough to spend a portion of my Friday night writing this potentially fruitless petition, how many of the other applicants can say that? If I have learned anything during my 19 years of existence, it's that I'm almost always better the second (or third) time around, so I encourage you to see this for yourself and give me a chance. I can promise you that you probably won’t regret it.