If you were alive in the 1980's, you know it was a special time. Many say it was the happiest decade of their lives. Patriotism, sexual exploration, music videos, hair bands, Eurotrash pop and over-the-top action movies were hallmarks of the era. In 2021, we have witnessed remakes of classic movies like Ghostbusters, Total Recall, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Footloose, Clash of the Titans, Friday the 13th, Robocop, Red Dawn, The Karate Kid. What do they all have in common? They are abject failures in comparison to the originals. Yes, they have better CGI. Indeed, the budgets are bigger.

And, of course, each and every one of them were more "woke". Yet and still, the feeling you get watching these remakes ranks somewhere between getting a paper cut while licking an envelope and shaving your nether region with a cheese grater. They are as soulful as a ballad by Slayer. They reach deep within you, only to rip your heart out and show it to you like you're on a rope bridge above a crocodile-infested river. 

And today, I log into my computer to survey the news and I read this, "JAKE GYLLENHAAL is in talks to star in a remake of "Road House", the 1989 PATRICK SWAYZE classic".  After launching a Level 10 Facepalm on myself, I regained consciousness and immediately began creating this petition.

So, what is it I am seeking? A permanent moratorium on remakes of 80's moves. No more. Ever. Why? Because there is no way to recreate the campy, oddly joyful je ne sais quoi that is at the core of all 80's movies, With Harrison Ford teetering on the cliff of the great beyond, how long before some elitist, commie, pinko effstick of a Hollywood executive comes along with the genius idea to remake Raiders of the Lost Ark.

So, if you don't want to see Adam Driver as Indy and Millie Bobby Brown as Ferris Bueller, please share this with as many people as possible. Do it for Indy. Do it for Ferris. Do it for the good of all humanity.