Help me get coercive control & emotional abuse taken seriously in the family courts
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Im going to be writing to the local MP and I want to be able to show him how many parents grandparents aunts uncles and children are suffering because of this type of domestic abuse and how it is consistently been ignored in the family courts below is a draft of my concerns and my own experiences ,please feel free to contact privately with you're own experiences too.
I’m writing to you today to highlight and to expose the fact that coercive emotional abuse is not been taken seriously in the family court and Caffcass social workers and police are consistently failing to safe guard protective parents in favour of the rights of the parent perpetrators. Even after the law was passed early this year making it a criminal offence As a single parent, this issue is extremely important to me and my children and every mother father or child who has experienced this type of abuse knows only too well the deverstation coercive emotional controlling stalking behaviour creates in family dynamics and the knock on effects on the whole of society in general.
I would like you to help me highlight the seriousness on not taking coercive financial emotional abuse seriously the fact it is made light of it in the family courts exposing vulnerable children to on going abuse and preventing protective parents from protecting their own children .
I have suffered domestic abuse for approx 10 years severe emotional financial domestic abuse coercive control at the hands of my ex partner and after splitting with him over 3 years ago it has been relentless and tiresome that I and my children are still suffering. I am not a stereotype abused women I'm a strong independent fair parent and member of society and feel that the secrecy of the family court I have been unwillingly thrown into is allowing perpetrators to continue to rein terror down on their ex partners and children and it needs to stop.
They are using the system to continue abuse of their ex partners at the expense of their children and the whole of society.
My ex partner did this to his previous ex partner and he's still using the same tactics 21 years later which the court system is allowing him to at the expense of myself and my children.
My ex partner had managed to get sole custody of his daughter from her mother through the family court when she was 7 , it was very clear his intentions were to hurt her mother and he did not actually want full custody as when I met him he was neglecting her basic needs and emotionally and physically abusing her. I'd left him after my son was born in 2007 after been spat on and verbally and emotionally abused throughout my pregnancy , when my son was 9 months old he turned up at my house and he told me he was going to prison for approx a month and that if I didn't take his daughter he would leave her alone he actually was going to prison for years not moths. I was happy to look after her but after, I went on her first parents evening the teachers said that they had no clue who this child was and that she was dumped on the doorstep on the first day of term and if someone didn't come today they were contacting social services this was the first realisation of the depth of abuse this man was capable of. I explained I was her half brothers mum and that her father was in prison and that's all I knew. Social services contacted me on the schools request and I told them everything I knew . They told me that she was nothing to do with them anymore that her father had custody of her and that her case was closed a few weeks ago. I explained that I could be anyone that her father was in prison for the next few years and that her case needed reopening as this child was in need she had been abandoned. They told me that they were not reopening her case and the case was closed as far as they were concerned, and did not check on her or myself, all they said was that there was a court order for her to have contact with her mother every few weeks and if I didn't do this I'd be taken to court. I did not even know her mothers name or why she was not with her so I asked them what her name and address was so I could do the contacts and they said they could not give out that info. I was 27 at the time had a 9 month old child and literally did not know what to do we were failed by social services this child was failed.
I spoke to my ex partners brother and he threatened that I must not ever meet her mother under direct orders of my ex partner and that a friend of theirs would do her contacts with her mother. This happened 2 times then he didn't turn up. Social services left voice messages on my phone asking me to stop preventing contact. It was literally insane. I contacted her school for help and they called social services and insisted that her case be reopened. This child was been knowingly neglected by social services over and over throughout her life. Still to this day they have never done any checks on me they left her with me and said I was not entitled to any financial support for her because she was nothing to do with them,so I just continued as I did not know who to turn to for help we were just left. She started thriving for the first year at school and seemed settled, after a year her father who had seemed like a changed man was going to get home leaves, after a few of these her mental health started to decline again and our now peaceful calm home was turned upside down . He would be telling her that she could not trust anyone and she was clearly very distressed after his visits he was extremely angry and she decided that if he was coming home after prison then she was leaving. Because I didn't know the extent of what he was still doing I said ok as I thought that my son needed 2 parents and by this point my own mental health was beginning to suffer. I was wrong children need protective parents period, after she went he came home and our lives were turned into chaos. He insisted we moved out of the house into a bigger one that only 2 adults could afford and then I became pregnant with my second child. The abuse escalated after I got pregnant but now I was trapped and tricked he had not changed at all. I tried my best but the emotional abuse financial abuse emotional violence was too much to bare so in 2014 I decided to leave him. I never realised or recognised it as abuse as I wasn't been hit, after attending the freedom programme I knew I was in fact been abused. He cut up my bank cards he locked my laptop for work with and encrypted code and he threatened my life if I left him he would ruin me then kill me. He was doing this in front of the children. The police were called but did nothing but tell him to calm down and that there was not anything they could do even after hearing him threaten my life they did nothing. He proceeded to disappear for months abandoning the joint tenancy leaving me to support the children physically financially mentally I contacted a domestic violence advice line and still to this day they are still helping me and my children. During this time he committed a firearms offence and was arrested but he continued to verbally emotionally and financially abuse me and the kids. I was just managing as I had my small business when he came to the house and stole all my stock so I could not work, he threatened my life again and again and nothing was taken seriously he said unless I do as I'm told watch what happens all in front of his children. He was refusing to talk about the split and my mental health was suffering trying to keep a roof over the kids heads and parent. He was refusing to see the children and in a constant state of anger. He then took me to court pretending he could not see them he must have done this with fraudulent means none of this was questioned as he had no job .He did not turn up and the caffcas said he was not allowed to see the children unsupervised from now on because they had severe safe guarding concerns and evidence of historical abuse of his daughter and the judge issued a court order stating only supervised contact. Shortly after this he calmed down slightly the relief was overwhelming as myself and the kids were facing eviction at this point. My old house had come back up for rent and my father offered to pay 6 months to get me and the kids back in it as I could not prove my income and because of my stolen stock my business was virtually ruined and on the verge of been homeless . He mentioned that he was back in touch with his now adult daughter and that everything was great between them , I almost got back with him as he seemed so genuine but after I met up with his daughter it turned out that now talking to this adult girl this man had not changed at all. After been back in touch with her and what she could now tell me that she could not express as a child because of the fear of repucusions from her father was appalling I could not ever get back with this man ,I called him out and he told me I was dumb for listening to her twisted lies . He was so mad he started to threaten my life again and blame his daughter he kept threatening me if I didn't behave and said I would not sleep safe ever again in whitness to both my children . Lucky we had my own house and we did not hear from him for nearly a year. My son suffered a lot by then and he started to with draw into himself so in that year I worked with his teachers to help him regain himself and started to rebuild my life too with my step daughter and my kids . Then in 2016 I got threats of court I was stalked on nights out with threats false allegations were made to the police he even declared to officers he was doing these false reports to build a case on me which his barrister used in court he appeared on dating sites as 10 years younger than he was proceeding to stalk verbally abusing me and threatening me and then started court proceedings again paying privately ,his false reason was that he was been prevented from seeing his children. This was totally untrue he had not even asked just went straight to court again he has no income so fraudulent private payments must be been made to this solicitors . He had a barrister and I had no one, the first caffcas officer insisted that they do a section 7 on him and said it was nothing to do with the mother and that they have serious safeguarding concerns with his extensive criminal record and 35 alias names and historical concerns from what they had recorded evidence from his daughters notes, then another caffcas officer took over our case , this paticular officer has seriously failed my children and has turned our case into a he said she said allowing his barrister to tear myself and my children apart and continue his coercive control over me, in the interview with me she said she was bringing him into the office to do his interview because after reading what the first caffcas had put of him she didn't want to put herself in any danger. one of her questions was "do you pray?" And when I answered no why she said I should it will make me feel better. She also answered the phone with what! And when I asked why the full police background check in his section 7 only went back only 2 years she said "if I put everything down he has done I'd be here for ever" her actions and totally unprofessional manner and statement to the court resulted in months and months of court proceedings where I was litigating in person while he had a barrister defending myself against her report while still trying to rebuild after the split and financially physically and emotionally supporting the children alone. She had actually said she was unclear who the main care giver was of the children even after knowing all this and visiting our home and knowing he was in prison ,there were over 40 untruths in her report that I could back up with solid evidence and she ignored me when I pointed them out she also refused to talk to the pastoral manager and the head at the children's school which could confirm what was happening and the effects on the children choosing only to talk briefly to the children. I'm even been made to pay £200 half of a bill that the judge made me pay to get police reports done on him leaving myself and the children in even more financial hardship , because I could not get across to him the truth on my own with no barrister . It has taken an enormous toll on my mental health and that of my children Iv now been diagnosed with anxiety since this last court case . He's told lie after lie which Iv proved by litigating in person for months backed up with evidence to absolutely no consequence to him , no one has questioned his lies or how he is paying to do this to us he's fraudulently paying a solicitors barrister who knows he has a declared income of only £132 per week with HMRC. I managed to get legal aid 8 months into the case by proving domestic violence with them but this caffcas officer has already destroyed and failed us over and over, and still is failing us now over a year on the most recent order with the help of my barrister the judge felt that my historic concerns about my his non subject daughter were relevant but that any domestic abuse was minimal to him this is deverstating to hear (he came to this conclusion after the caffcas report was catastrophicly wrong false and did not show a true picture or backed up with any evidence) the judge can only go off what he knows and he has now sent it on to to pro contact. The judge said that he thinks that the historical concerns have been over looked though and the caffcas officer is to pass over anything relevant in his daughters notes to pro contact but after only a week she said NOTHING WAS RELEVANT regarding his treatment of his daughter and did not even pass on any details of the proven domestic abuse or anything about our case or any evidence that the first caffcas officer highlighted a the very least , or the fact the children have suffered prolonged domestic abuse from their father and having contact straight away could have serious effects on them,she told procontact it's a straight forward reintroduction , she also gave procontact a completely wrong address for me and the children resulting in us not getting the letter and missing our first appointment which was extremely distressing. Iv tried in vein to handover what's happened as was totally shocked the procontact did not know a single thing about our case they have been told by the caffcas officer there are no issues and contact is to start straight away, that is not safe ,so pro contact have started contact straight away the first date for contact was booked before they even spoke to the children and totally unaware of this mans history and after 3 years of not seeing their father they are now in what I feel unsafe contact causing my son 10 to shake with nerves and my daughter 6 to get ear pain they have both been having sleepless nights and my son is going quiet again. The doctor thinks my daughters ear pain may resulted from her neveres , my children have said over and over that they do not want contact that they are in fear and have very vivid memories of witnessing him behaving inappropriately ,I have proved domestic abuse and still been totally ignored my children feel helpless and so do I. We were told they have no choice that contact is taking place after meeting these procontact strangers for less than an hour. I want to add I'm not opposed to contact but I feel my children and my self are been failed and that the contact is emotionally unsafe as it stands with the time that has passed and history and concerns been ignored. I was told it would be supervised by qualified staff and the first session has resulted in emotional turmoil of my children and myself and literally no thought about my children's rights or mine as the direct protective person in their life. They have had one supervised contact now without any work or preparation before the contact took place their wishes and my concerns totally ignored and the first contact carried out by an unqualified volunteer they have made clear there are absolutely no parenting issues with myself and I'm a protective supportive role in their life. My step daughter still suffers severe mental health issues because of a direct result of her fathers neglect and physical and emotional abuse. Please help me make sure my children or anymore children do not suffer too with this pushing of contact at all cost I'm in support of contact but not at all costs the children's emotional needs are been over looked . Emotional coercive financial abuse needs to be taken seriously by the courts and it just isn't . The effects of witnessing coercive emotional domestic abuse and financial hardship have far worse consequences on children's mental health and wellbeing and a dia affect on the protective parent which can last well into adult hood and for years to come this is proven a distrution on family dynamics it is the roots of all domestic abuse cases power and control. Parents need to be made accountable for lies told in family court and caffcas failings exposed. Contact at all cost is not in the best interests of children or protective parents when this type of domestic abuse is apparent.
I'm a loving mum and step mum to 3 beautiful children and a struggling thriver of ongoing separation domestic abuse and coercive control.
The perpetrators of financial coercive emotional abuse are very aware that their rights are put before that of their victims this is allowing them to continue to abuse well after separation without having any responsibilities they have time and money which the protective parent often has not got, using false applications to court because lies and manipulation slander of the protective parent is been taken lightly. Please help me expose this type of abuse and let children and protective parents live freely and their voices be heard so they can thrive after domestic abuse.
Please share and sign the petition I want to get this hidden ignored tactic of abuse exposed and acknowledged by all.
Please respond to my letter and outline the steps you intend to take to address my concerns. If applicable, please escalate my letter to the relevant parliamentarian or department and keep me informed of any progress.
I look forward to hearing your response in due course.
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