Cast MAN RIDER in the upcoming DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS Movie
Warner Brothers, Hasbro's Allspark Pictures, and Sweetpea Entertainment have announced their plans to produce a new Dungeons & Dragons movie. Sadly it is doomed to commercial and critical failure, for as of this writing the script they possess will be lacking in a crucial ingredient:
Yes, MAN RIDER. The worst player character in the forty-one year history of Dungeons and Dragons.
3d6 in order, his stats were:
Str: 12 (+1) Dex: 4 (-3) Con: 8 (-1) Int: 6 (-2) Wis: 9 (-1) Cha: 7 (-2)
Attributes so rubbish he could only be a legless blue goblin, carried on the reluctant shoulders of his friends.
Attributes so rubbish, even Gary Gygax would have rejected him*.
And yet, somehow, somehow Man Rider has not only survived — he's thrived.
Countless player characters have carried Man Rider into battle. Where others have perished he has lived. Where others have fallen he has fled. Armed only with a pair of Carrion Crawler grubs, somehow, in the face of such uselessness, in fact maybe even because of it, he's always lived to fight another day, to ride once more. A full account of his story lies here, but of his many great deeds:
- Man Rider has led an army of goblins to war.
- Man Rider has single-handedly beheaded a dragon.
- Man Rider has saved the world from destruction.
- Man Rider has even ridden on the shoulders of the gods.
And he's still only 4th level.
In short: Man Rider is a living monument to the theme central to Dungeons & Dragons itself: that anyone brave enough to pick up a stick and stare death in the face can achieve great things.
Man Rider is a hero unlike any other. A hero who has not only overcome every challenge laid before him, but also overcome himself.
And this is why Man Rider should be cast in the Dungeons & Dragons film.
If you want heroic adventurers, you can look no further (evening if he is goddamn ugly — it's hard now he's a paladin of a chaos god).
It doesn't even need to be a speaking role! (Though if you do give him lines, note that like all goblins born in the Cobalt Reach, they're tricksy little buggers who mean the opposite of whatever they say).
JUST PUT HIM IN THERE, SOMEWHERE.
And the new Dungeons & Dragons film will be a global success.
I promise :)
And if you believe me, sign this petition.
Sign this petition, buy a t-shirt and GET WARNER BROTHERS, HASBRO'S ALLSPARK PICTURES AND SWEETPEA ENTERTAINMENT TO CAST MAN RIDER IN THE NEXT D&D MOVIE.
WHAT THE PEOPLE THINK ABOUT MAN RIDER:
"My RPG Bucket List includes playing a game with Man Rider." — Dennis H.
"A door in a PC's chest leads to a dungeon? So good." — Nate L.
"What happens in Man Rider, stays in Man Rider." — David R.
"Damn, he's as badass as the legends say..." — Keil C.
"I think Man Rider just became a deity in my gameworld..." — James S.
"Man Rider looks like vomit that's thrown up vomit." — Scrap P.
"We'd have a better world if all snowflakes were like Man Rider." — Jack M.
"I love Man Rider." — John DSP.
"Me too." — Trent B.
* AD&D PLAYER'S HANDBOOK: 1st Edition, page 9, paragraph 1.
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