We, the undersigned, are calling for the immediate removal of General Manager Mike Hazen and the appointment of the Arizona Diamondbacks “Real” group chat as the new collective General Managers of the franchise.

This decision is not being made lightly. It is based on a growing body of evidence, emotional distress, and multiple “bro what are we doing” messages sent during games.

Exhibit A: Questionable Pitching Decisions

Recent moves have left fans confused, concerned, and occasionally staring at the ceiling mid-game.

Zac Gallen, once trusted, has posted an ERA that members of the group chat have accurately calculated to be “way too high when he gives up runs.”
Paul Sewald’s ERA has fluctuated between “manageable” and “turn the TV off,” leading to advanced statistical conclusions such as:
“His ERA is literally cooked.”
“Infinity if you only count the bad outings.”
“I would’ve simply thrown strikes.”
We believe these outcomes could have been avoided if even one (1) member of the group chat had been consulted prior to these decisions.

Exhibit B: Lack of Vibes-Based Decision Making

The current front office relies heavily on “analytics,” “data,” and “years of experience.”

Meanwhile, the group chat has consistently demonstrated elite-level decision making using:

Gut feelings
Recency bias
One good highlight clip
“He looks locked in today”
Exhibit C: Proven Track Record of the Group Chat

The D-backs “Real Ones” group chat is currently:

Undefeated in hypothetical trade scenarios
100% accurate in hindsight analysis
On a 7-game win streak in “we should’ve done that” decisions
Additionally, the group chat has never once lost a game as General Manager.

Proposed Plan Moving Forward

If appointed, the group chat will implement the following changes immediately:

Roster Construction: “Just get better players”
Free Agency Strategy: Sign anyone who “goes crazy” in one game
Bullpen Usage: If a pitcher allows a baserunner, he is “outta here”
Lineups: Based strictly on who is “due”
Trades: Approved via poll (minimum 5 votes, no trolls)
We will also introduce a new advanced metric:
ERA (Emotional Run Average) — measuring how mad a pitcher makes fans per inning.

Conclusion

The time has come for a new direction. A direction built not on spreadsheets, but on passion, instinct, and messages sent in all caps.

We are not saying this will work.

We are saying it cannot possibly be worse (this statement is not legally binding).

Sign this petition to restore hope, vibes, and group chat leadership to the Arizona Diamondbacks.