Half dressed and chipping a fork into a plastic pan for that last burnt piece of macaroni, I watched from my roommate's couch as he clicked on to season 4 of Netflix's Arrested Development. Mouth agape, I leaned forward, and it came to my attention that (spoiler alert) Portia de Rossi is freaking gorgeous. My room mate says that she used to be married to some dude, but now she's into women! That's crazy, but it's a testament to her acting abilities because I was convinced she was into that guy from the Old Spice commercials.

How come such a beautiful and talented woman is off the table for men? When you consider the things men have to deal with (paying for dinners, dealing with your mood swings while you perpetuate the myth of menstruation, gingivitis), well this is just another injustice heaped on top of all of that!

I thought this was a democratic republic! That means when I'm in the majority and things don't go my way, we are a democracy. When I'm in the minority and things don't go my way, we are a republic. With men representing a mere 49.1% of the population, it was time for our republic to shine.

Some folks told me that being gay is a choice and they also told me that they were anti-pro-choice. So I'm just hoping whoever is in charge of Portia de Rossi's sexuality will reconsider. I figure 10,000 signatures ought to do it. Or just one big one, like a John Hancock of sorts. A Hancock in the bush is worth two.. uh.. I never really remember how that goes.

Anyway, I'm not too sure the exact personal details of Ms. de Rossi's life. Whenever I try to google her, I just get caught up in looking at pictures of Scream 2. However, I was kind of hoping that Ellen DeGeneres could help out with this? I've added her as a contact for this petition. I know she's big into internet culture and helping people out when they got no one else to turn to. She might just be the most likely person on earth to help out with this.

Also, I'm not doing this because I'm implying that her work was better when she was straight like Elton John or Steve-O. Yes, yes. We all know Eric Clapton is a much better musician when his life sucks. Yes, yes. We all agree there should be a team dedicated to wrecking his shit until we get another "Tears in Heaven". The same woman that broke his heart inspired Layla AND George Harrison's "Something". For the cultural enrichment of humanity, she should have been dating a different musician every week. We know!

But that's irrelevant. Portia de Rossi is at the top of her game! Her chops on Arrested Development make her work on Ally McBeal look like Robert Downey Jr.'s work on Ally McBeal. In fact, this whole thing is a thinly veiled attempt to pitch a show to Netflix. In much the same way that this was just a cheap marketing ploy by Fox to advertise Deadpool's R-rating. Come on, guys, it was started by a former Marvel writer.

So since there are so many other petitions that won't do anything, I thought I would add one more petition that won't do anything to the vast space of the Internet, increasing ever in scope while true knowledge dwindles.

If we work together, finally, the men of the Internet can rise up and harass a woman.

Don't make America great again. Make Portia de Rossi straight again.