Imagine, the United States Flag waving gallantly in the wind with its 13 stripes... and 51 stars. Such an image is too incredible to deny; thus it is time for Greenland to unite with its red, white, and blue neighbor under one flag, as one people. 

But there are other, more important strategic reasons for making Greenland a U.S. territory (Anyone who has played Risk will know what I am talking about). If you want to preserve the territorial integrity of the Americas, Greenland is an absolute must-have; at present, thanks to a Cold War-era treaty with the Danes, we have pretty much unfettered military access to the island. But, as in Latin America, the Chinese are buying their way in anyway. Only last year the Pentagon managed to shut down China's attempt at financing three airports in the region. They aren't going to stop. "We're open for business, but not for sale," Denmark's foreign minister said Friday. Under globalized capitalism, those are the same things.

Then there is the climate angle. The only real upside to melting Arctic ice is the increasing accessibility of various resources: oil, zinc, lead, iron ore, even gold, and diamonds. If the worst-case climate change scenarios don't pan out, well, that would be a relief; but if they do, why shouldn't Americans be the ones to lead the world in 21st-century polar mining? In the meantime, Greenland remains one of the most important locations in the world for climate-related research. Having it would be the ultimate "Heads I win, tails you lose." Heck, as some wags have suggested, Trump could just call it the "Green New Deal."

So the real question is not whether we should buy Greenland. It's how. So far the Danes are insisting that they are not interested in a sale. We should remind them that they are spending $600 million a year to subsidize the fantasy that the most remote part of North America is actually European. We should also offer them an absolutely ridiculous amount of money — paying off their entire national debt, a match of whatever their GDP is for the next 20 years, the rights to the next five Super Bowls, Trump's second-favorite son changing his name to "Erik." As far as the Greenlanders themselves go, they could get the Armageddon deal: no taxes ever, for the rest of their lives.

All this being said, Trump is not the first person to propose buying the island. The U.S. State Department looked into it as early as 1867; Harry Truman offered Denmark $100 million for it in 1946 and as recently as 1996, buying Greenland, along with much of Canada and Baja, Mexico, was a cornerstone of Pat Buchanan's presidential campaign.

Turning North America into a single multi-ethnic superstate has always been our esoteric destiny. Nabbing Greenland would be an important step in the right direction.