Free Kazoos For Every American!

Free Kazoos For Every American!

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Kazoo Kid started this petition to President Donald J. Trump

The kazoo is an underappreciated instrument Compared to others, it is easy to play, but more importantly, it also spreads positivity whenever it is used. Furthermore, it is cheap to produce, and may just be the solution to making the population of the United States happier, in addition to some other benefits. First, we must explore the history of the kazoo before we get into the reason why it is so advantageous for the human population.

It is said that the kazoo was first created by an African American man named Alabama Vest in 1840 with the help of a German clockmaker named Thaddeus Von Clegg. It grew increasingly popular in the United States to the point that it was included in the repertoire of blues, jazz, vaudeville and bluegrass acts during such time periods as the Harlem Renaissance. It earned the prestigious title of “the most democratic” instrument in the world due to the ease of which it could be played. A group known as the Mound City Blue Blowers is a fine example of a popular jazz band at the time that incorporated kazoos into their songs. Other bands and singers to utilize the kazoo include the Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, and Frank Zappa.

More recently, the kazoo was revitalized through a Youtube video called “You on Kazoo,” which garnered over five-hundred-thousand views and two-thousand-two-hundred comments within two years, and exploded to thirty-eight million views in March 2019. Additionally, an infamous trap remix of the video achieved a whopping sixty-six million views by March 2019! This remix was embedded into the hearts of all memers in 2016, and sparked an innumerable amount of parodies as a result of its popularity. Even famous K-pop artists such as Jonghyun have been caught playing the kazoo in their free time. With such a powerful history behind it, is there more to the kazoo than merely being entertainment?

The joy which a kazoo creates is something that can be spread around quite easily. In fact, self-expression via kazoo is easy and effective due to the ease with which one can play it. It is also easy to manufacture, thus allowing the mass production of kazoos to be cheap and efficient. Why does all of the matter? Studies have shown that music lifts the spirits. Whether a person is playing to the kazoo or listening to its rhythms, it will spread happiness all around. Kazoos never have a depressing sound, but rather it sound consistently cheerful. University of Missouri doctoral student in psychological science Yuna Ferguson conducted a study and found that “people were successful at raising their positive mood as long as the music they listened to was happy and upbeat.” Moreover, she discovered that “happiness relates to a higher probability of socially beneficial behavior, better physical health, higher income and greater relationship satisfaction.” Kazoos are an inexpensive way to boost or increase the morale and even health of anybody, but it serves political benefits as well.

It is obvious that in the United States, there is a serious problem with the prison industrial complex. The American incarceration rate was at 743 per 100,000 people in 2014, making a quarter of the global jailed populace Americans. A majority of these offences, however, are not for murders or grand theft auto or even petty left, but rather it is for nonviolent drug offenses. How does one fight a system that imprisons so many? The solution is simply: make the people happier.

A UC Davis study has shown that happy adolescents are less likely to indulge in drug use or commit a crime. UC Davis sociology professor Bill McCarthy said, “Programs and policies that increase childhood and adolescent happiness may have a notable effect on deterring nonviolent crime and drug use.” The research discovered that those who were less happy reported a higher crime rate and drug use, and vice versa for more jovial adolescents. There is a direct correlation between illegal activities and happiness, which makes the kazoo an ideal tool for ending the prison industrial complex. Giving these out to all people, young and old, will lighten up everyone’s day and hopefully deter crime since it would greatly benefit the gross national happiness of the United States.

But why should the government become involved in the mass production and distribution of kazoos? For one, it is written in the Declaration of Independence that we have three unalienable rights, them being “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” If the government wants us to pursue happiness, kazoos would be a cost effective and economical way of doing so. In addition, Thomas Jefferson declared in 1809 that “the care of human life and happiness is the first and only legitimate object of good government.” Governments have a moral obligation to encourage activities that contribute to the social good, which means it should strive to make us happy. Kazoos are ideal for this since it would maximize the individual’s well-being.

The government should also work to end the prison industrial complex, for this is a major impediment on so many Americans’ lives. It is ironic to think that the nation which founds itself on liberty incarcerates more people than the entirety of Europe. To live more up to our American ideals, we need to demolish the prison industrial complex via kazoo production. After all, if less people are committing crimes and doing drugs, who is there to imprison?

There are two major problems with our government: we have a prison industrial complex and a shortage of happy people; however there is a single solution to these: the kazoo. The government has an duty to its citizens to make them happy to live in this potentially amazing nation, and this cannot be done by locking us up. The kazoo produces entertaining music, is cheap to produce, easy to learn, and makes everyone happy. Plus, it was conceived by an African American man, which means its widespread distribution to all Americans is a diffusion of African American culture into mainstream society, the like of which hasn’t been seen since the Harlem Renaissance. Political efficacy will skyrocket, for less people will be jailed and more people will be joyful. The people will not feel as glum about the state of the union and think to themselves that there is nothing they can do; rather, they will feel empowered by their kazoo-infused happiness to make a difference. As more “kazoo citizens” enter politics, they could deliver the final blow to not only the prison industrial complex, but to all evil monopolies that are attacking American lives. The simple kazoo has so much potential to make the United States a better place, so why don’t we make the change and have the government give one to each American for free?

President Trump, give us our kazoos!

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