Exile Matthew Sedacca from Texas for Taco Negligence
We, the people of San Antonio and affiliated communities of South Texas, demand that the City of Austin throw Matthew Sedacca out of an unmarked van well outside the boundaries of the state, or make equally suitable amends such as detailed below.
The subject of tacos, especially in reference to their origin and quality, has long been a sensitive issue and constant source of inter-regional strife within Texas. Without fail, sophomoric claims of taco-superiority have been issued from Austin-based brunch-chair-experts on a nearly annual basis, threatening the harmony between the city of Austin and the cities with populations of Native Texans greater than 10%.
Sedacca's churlishly negligent treatise is the latest of these affronts and stands as the most outrageous and insultingly uninformed in recent memory, and boy, did he step into some shit. It's wild inaccuracies, which dangerously approach libel, have already stirred the ire of many South Texas communities and further discord may loom on the horizon.
It is laughable to posit that a city whose people are often unaware that Texas was not populated by Anglo-Saxons since the dawn of time, and just as often view Mexican-Americans as undesirables to be given a wide berth when encountered and/or quietly swept out of sight before the neighbors see, has any claim to authority over the subject of anything taco-related.
More absurd is the notion that "breakfast taco culture" was either codified or normalized by a generation of birkenstock-clad tech-jockeys and university incubatees majoring in Phish and Social Safety Net Surfing, and not by the laborers who spent the last century waking up at 5 am, breaking their fast on huevos con papas outside a truck, to build the aforementioned demographic's luxury condos.
Sedacca's worst sin by far, however, is presuming to blunder into a long-running, deep-seated, and hot blooded Texas turf-war armed with the equivalent knowledge of a 30-minute Andrew Zimmern special. The documented (if half-hearted) research on the most basic of taco knowledge hints he's about as out of his depth as someone needing to conduct field research on the colors of bluebonnets, and only insures his grasp of the subject as far as the authority of a third-grade book report.
Among sources cited with the rigor of freshman composition, we are told to accept that our standard of culture has been superseded by establishments with such tradition-steeped names as Tacodeli, and that the most trusted expert on Mexican Cuisine is a man named Robert Walsh, who sounds like someone who would just as assuredly inform us that barbeque was invented in Austin as well, and that Santa Anna was defeated off Congress and 17th. The worst offense of all may be complete dearth of effort expended to establish a believable fantasy narrative of your "authenticity", and the insinuation that "you didn't even have to study" only fans the flames of rage that will temper our resolve.
While unity and fellowship between the many communities of our state is ever the destination, we the people of San Antonio and affiliated communities of South Texas cannot bear endlessly the injuries that are heaped upon our backs by the year. In order to prevent an escalation in taco-related hostilities and assure a fostering of a friendship between our communities, unimpeded by shadows of airborne chanclas, we petition for one of the following recommended actions be taken:
- immediate deportation of the offender to a neighboring state where more liberal interpretations of "tacos" are tolerated, with no future eligibility to re-apply for Texas residency,
- surrender of the offender into custody of the City of San Antonio for mandatory re-education and re-habilitation,
- prohibition of publishing or disseminating information directly pertaining to topics of Texas heritage and social realities by the offender until (a) the completion of a minimum of ten years' residency in the state and (b) the completion of 30 hours of state-approved courses including, but not limited to, Texas History and Heritage, Special Topics in Cultural Pluralism, Applied Taqueria Studies, and a seminar in Tex-Mex Disambiguation.
- establishment of an observed "San Antonio Day" sponsored annually by the City of Austin, to include Spurs-themed parades, statements of praise and admiration for our bicycle community, and the public singing of songs that beg forgiveness for all taco-related transgressions and blasphemies.