Dear fellow fruit freedom fighters,

It has come to our attention that America is teetering on the brink of an international banana crisis—and no one is talking about it. Barely in the news. Not the politicians. Not even Trump, and this seems exactly like the kind of thing he’d try to blame on Hillary.

Let’s get one thing straight: there's only one banana in every store. The Cavendish. That’s it. One banana to rule them all. This is not a coincidence. This is banana tyranny. And if we’ve learned anything in the past decade, it's that concentrating power in one place never ends well. (Looking at you, Mar-a-Lago.)

Now, here’s the wild part: if a single disease hits the Cavendish banana (and spoiler alert—it already is), we’re toast. Banana toast. Just like we lost the Gros Michel, the banana of our ancestors. The real banana. The banana that banana-flavored Laffy Taffy is still crying over.

Meanwhile, somewhere in his golden penthouse, Trump is probably brainstorming ways to brand the next banana apocalypse as a business opportunity. Picture it: “TRUMP BANANAS – Strong. Classy. The Best Bananas. Everyone says so.” And just like that, we’re all forced to eat genetically modified Trumpananas while he gives press conferences next to a banana tree dyed orange.

And let’s not ignore the real banana victims: the countries growing them. For over a century, monoculture and corporate greed have turned entire regions into puppet states—aka banana republics (no, not the overpriced mall store). These nations deserve economic justice, not to be the background of our sad, disease-prone, single-variety banana drama.

We can’t just sit back and let banana history repeat itself like a bad sequel written by AI and approved by Fox News.

We demand:

• More banana varieties in stores (Red! Burro! Ice Cream! The mysterious Blue Java!)
• An end to banana monoculture before it ends us
• Banana justice for farmers and ecosystems everywhere
• And NO Trump-branded fruit. Ever.

So sign this petition. Share it. Shout it from the fruit aisle. Because if we don't act now, our kids will grow up thinking banana flavor is just a myth, like affordable housing or bipartisan cooperation.

Let’s peel back the corruption. Let’s split from the system. Let’s go… bananas.