We must stop the war on Halloween. It is a sacred day for most Americans, and a precious part of our shared cultural heritage, yet it doesn't receive the esteem it deserves.
We call for Halloween to be firmly established as a federal holiday with paid time off as our national birthright.
We demand an end to any and all attempts to undermine Halloween's observance, including but not limited to: homework, toothbrushes given out as "treats," banning costumes in schools and the workplace, so-called "hell houses" and other non-secular Halloween "alternatives," razor blades hidden inside irresistible candy apples, gang shootings, overbearing bureaucratic responses to isolated incidents during public celebrations, bed times, candy rationing, no trespassing signs, and Michael Myers (taking it too far, man).
Halloween has been around longer than any other public holiday aside from Christmas. It's high time we recognize that "gay Christmas" is too important for any American to give up on. We must fight for Halloween together.