An open petition to the Honorable City of Minneapolis and Associated Governing Bodies Regarding the Immediate and Permanent Renaming of “Target Center” to “The Bone Zone”

 

To Whom It May Greatly Concern,

We, the undersigned tax-paying citizens, basketball enthusiasts, season ticket holders and devoted and long-suffering members of Wolves Nation, do hereby submit this legally binding (in spirit, if not in statute) petition requesting the prompt and appropriate renaming of the Target Center to "The Bone Zone", in solemn recognition of Mr. Bones Hyland, professional bucket-getter and general bench vibes conductor.  

 

WHEREAS, “Target Center” is the second-oldest arena in the NBA and in need of a shakeup and

WHEREAS "Target Center" is a name that evokes the cold sterility of a big-box retailer rather than the fiery intensity of NBA competition, and  

WHEREAS The undersigned fans acknowledge that "Target Center" should have been renamed "The House that KG Built" years ago and

WHEREAS, Mr. Hyland -- commonly and reverently known as “Bones” -- has inspired in our community a level of joy, chaos, transitional-jump-shot confidence and signature wave worthy of permanent commemoration, and  

WHEREAS, Bones possesses game that knows no limits and a level of hustle, intensity and Big Shot Energy, we Midwesterners do hereby claim him as "one of us" and 

WHEREAS, “The Bone Zone” possesses an undeniable marketing efficiency, being both memorable and slightly threatening in a way that perfectly summarizes the Timberwolves fan experience,  

 

THEREFORE, be it resolved:  

 

1. The physical premises located at 600 N 1st Ave, Minneapolis, MN, currently operating under the title “Target Center,” shall henceforth and forevermore be referred to as “The Bone Zone.”  

2. All public signage, digital references, and ceremonial activities shall be updated accordingly, with costs ideally borne by Target Corporation or, failing that, by passing an ironically named “Bone Tax” which would be enacted on visiting players' game checks.  

3. Visiting teams entering the facility shall be greeted with an official declaration of “Welcome to The Bone Zone,” followed by a legally mandated sultry and seductive soundtrack in the theme of 70s adult film industry funk/groove.  

 

Enactment Clause: This renaming shall take effect immediately upon sufficient online signatures, widespread public approval, or one (1) successful Bones Hyland step-back three.  

Respectfully submitted on this First Day of January, 2026 — in the interests of justice, recognition of sweat equity, and Minnesota basketball pride.  

(Electronic signatures, meme-based endorsements, and retweets shall be considered valid under this statute.)  

 

Signed,

 

Lakeridge Liquors and Friends