To be concise, I have recently converted from being a cynical bastard to actually trying to be a better person. I even reconciled my anger towards existence and tried to live by Christian principles. However, this all changed this Easter.

I thought if I contemplated the crucifixion of Christ and thought about how it pertains to my own life, I would receive the mercy of the Lord and be absolved of all my sins. So I did that - probably more than Matthew Mcconaughey did in True Detective. However, after spending an entire day thinking about how the Son of God suffered on a central vertical beam transected by a perpendicular beam, nothing happened. In fact, instead of feeling God's warm embrace, I had to deal with a cold draft coming from my vent. 

Alas, it would appear that my salvation is not nigh, despite what my pastor said last Sunday. 

The only consolation prize I would accept after enduring this terrible ordeal would be the permanent abolition of this Christian holiday. Goodbye Easter!

Instead, I suggest we bring back the festival of Bacchanalia. While worshiping the Greek god Dionysus would certainly stir up some envy in Our One and Only Omnipotent God, I would certainly enjoy engaging in alcoholism and orgies without feeling God's wrath (thank you very much).

So, if you would like to see the end of Easter, join me as I embark on a journey to bring back the hedonism and debauchery we all know and love.

Please sign this petition, in the name of all that is (not) holy.