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For my Grieving Friends ~ 10 Tips for Grief

The shoulda-woulda-coulda’s play on repeat in your mind. Flashbacks. Nightmares. It’s overwhelming and downright paralyzing when grief strikes. The nights are hard. The agony is deep and the loss is great. Your whole world has been turned upside down. The loss of sleep, loss of appetite (or more), swirl of emotions, mind racing, heart hurting and the continual fog that’s in your brain are exhausting. AND you have kids to take care of, jobs to tend to, arrangements to make and people to talk to. You wish time would just stop for half-a-second so you can catch your breath. I vividly remember feeling this way in 2008 when my husband died by suicide and for a long while after. Together we had a two month old baby and were married for 11 months. I had three older children from previous marriage ages 4,5, and 7, and I became a widow at the age of 30. 

I’d like to share with you what helped me cope in regards to grieving, loss, and going through something traumatic, maybe it will help you too. 

1.  When people offer to help, take it. Now is the time to receive. They are your angels and guides and wanting to support and love on you. It’s okay to be specific on your needs and even seek out help from friends, family, organizations and churches. They can assist with meals, kids, clothing, cleaning, bills, etc. and it really helps! 

2.  Find someone to talk to. You are processing a sh*t ton and got stuff coming at you from all sides. A friend, someone you trust, counselor, maybe a complete stranger! It’s important to move some of this intense energy (restriction, heavy chest, aching) and simply opening up to someone helps! Either way, talk.

3.  It’s okay to slow down! Tend to your soul. Allow grace. Take care of what you must and put your energy in that and then rest. Take four naps in a day if you need to, make a frozen meal and turn your underwear inside out! Laundry can wait. It’s ok. Everyone is telling you how strong you are and that you must be strong right NOW. Yes, you do need to be strong, and trust me, I KNOW you are strong, but sometimes, being STRONG, is to just BE. 

4.   It’s okay to speed up! We all handle grief differently. Sometimes speeding up is our grace and sanity. You may get a sudden drive to learn something new, start a project, or fight for a cause, or just move faster. Listen to this, it is a gift, will bring you much needed joy and is a great way to move energy! It can also be a distraction, from the pain that is inside. Listen to you and what you need and are ready for. You will likely slow down and speed up repeatedly, it’s all ok!

5.   Your emotions are all over the place, and a huge spectrum they are! One minute you’re feeling relief things weren’t worse, then you’re feeling guilty because it wasn’t worse, then you can’t believe what just happened then you’re in the dark abyss of emotional darkness. You’re grieving your past, present and future plans you thought you had coming. For others too. It is a loss, a deep one, and wherever you’re at with your emotions, allow them to be seen, felt and heard. They are all beautiful and perfect.

6.   Take care of you. Whatever that looks like. I know, this one is hard, especially when we are not “feeling it.” Eating when repulsed by food is HARD. Sleeping is hard when you’re restless, hurting, know the nightmares are coming, or your mind won’t shut off. Moving when you don’t feel like it is also hard. As you already know, doing these things are good for you and they are extra important now. Things are different now then before this happened so it’s ok to allow grace - meaning, do these things, just on a smaller scale. Listen to your body and soul and increase the scale as you can.

7.  Write down your thoughts. However you wanna do it, just express. Poems, single sentences, even single words. Just getting it out can be such a release! It’s like you feel heard by your own self and that thought racing in your head can finally come out, and with that comes peace! Journaling was and continues to be very healing for me, please give it a try!

8.   The 6 stages of grief - it’s ok to bounce around in going through them! One you may skip and come back to, you may spend a year in one, and race through the other. It’s normal to go back and forth and they are all experienced over time. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and recently added, finding meaning. All of them must be seen, felt and heard. This is your journey, try not to compare yourself with other people and where they are at in their process…this is something only you can move through in YOUR timing, and in your way and will look different for everyone. 

9.   I know things right now are unbearable, please know it won’t be like this forever. Healing and processing take TIME. One day you will smile again with a big and open heart, and mean it. Things this deep take a while to work through. Be gentle on yourself. It’s OK to be grieving, and feel JOY simultaneously. Give yourself permission to feel good things. Your genuine smile doesn’t mean you loved them any less. Give zero F*cks to others opinions who don’t love you deeply. 

10.  Lastly, if you’d like to talk about any stage you’re in with grief, loss, or whatever is on your heart, I’d love to have you join me in Porch Time. To support you, hold space for you, lift you up and guide you back to your heart. It’s called “Porch Time”, a safe space to engage in genuine connection and meaningful conversation about what matters to you and what’s on your heart. I’ll listen with compassion and non-judgement, and I’ll share with you, what comes through my heart, about your heart, and we both feel better when it’s over. I need this connection too.  Porch time is free, and is a 60 minute conversation done over the phone. I’ll be on the porch! I’m the Porch Lady ~ I care, and I get it. Hugs. 

I hope this helps, and I’m sending you so much love.

Holding your hearts, 

Sonja Rice

• Please feel free to share with a friend who needs these words. If this helped you, please say so in the comments, I love hearing from you and interacting with you! Please continue to share with your circle, our voice is getting out there and I’m so grateful for all of you! 
  
  
• If I can support you and hold space for you, or your friend, please book your free Porch Time from my website. You can also sign up for book notifications, learn about how to reduce stress, see my cake gallery, and more! Thank you! 
  
  
• https://sonjarice.com/