Last night, as my mind was wandering while I tried to sleep.

I was trying to zero in on what I was feeling and where I was feeling it in my body and I recognized my usual suspects.  

Fear. Anxiety. Feelings of inadequacy..  memories surfaced of a younger me, consumed by anxiety and insecurity  googling “how to create confidence”. “Confidence hacks”.  And various other versions of the same question.  I did this before EVERY PERFORMANCE.

The pre show jitters or pre interview, pre audition, pre big meeting.   And I never found anything that truly helped. 

 I eventually turned to psychology and the science behind my feelings and that did help in some ways.  I learned that anxiety and excitement are pretty similar and if I could trick my brain in to believing I was excited instead of nervous.. I could manage my physical symptoms a tiny bit better sometimes. 

But that tool became less effective when I had more time between important performances. 

If I had faced a dry spell and wasn’t continuously forcing myself to face these scary moments it would be much more intense when the next time finally arrived. 

Last night I was thinking about all the songs I’ve written about wishing I was brave. 

All the poems I’ve written about feeling weak, fragile, vulnerable and helpless.

I was NOT feeling better and didn’t want to ruminate on all these feelings as I lay there in bed. 

Soo, I tried affirmations—Like I am calm. I am calm.  I am brave.  I am at peace.  I am safe. 

But the counter offer from my body kept pulling me back to the physical palpitations of my heart and the deep pain in my heart. 

how am I to visualize this reality if I don’t know or remember what it feels like ? 

So I asked myself and the universe : 

 what *does* courage feel like? 

And the answer I received was :

.. it feels like fear !

It feels like anxiety! 

It feels like apprehension.. 

bravery is the act of pushing beyond those feelings.

Courage, bravery, and the like.. they can only exist through facing and challenging our debilitating emotions. 

And I realized, though I don’t “feel” whatever I imagined courage or bravery to be.. I have absolutely been brave. . And I AM brave. 

I vaguely recalled a quote that had felt so profound when I read it and I think that must be what had worked its way back to me from my subconscious.  It was this :

“ YOU CAN ONLY BE BRAVE WHEN YOU ARE AFRAID “ 

And with that, I was finally able to drift off to sleep. 

I leave this here as a gentle reminder :

You are probably much braver than you think. 

It is brave to fight for change, even when hope feels far away.  Thank you for standing with me