We, the undersigned, do hereby demand that the Richard III Society be declared a proscribed organisation, forthwith and with extreme prejudice, on account of their relentless and frankly tiresome efforts to whitewash the reputation of that crookbacked, nephew-dispatching, crown-snatching Yorkist, Richard III. Their nefarious campaign to delegitimise the glorious Tudor succession - and, by extension, every shred of stability and progress that has followed - cannot be allowed to fester like a medieval boil in the body politic.

For too long, these Ricardian apologists have skulked in the shadows, clutching their dog-eared copies of The Daughter of Time and muttering about “Tudor propaganda” as if Henry VII personally invented fake news. They dare to paint Richard III as a misunderstood philanthropist, a sort of medieval Santa Claus who merely misplaced his nephews in the Tower of London (and, oops, they never came back). This is not history; this is fan fiction with a body count. Their revisionist drivel threatens to unravel the very fabric of our nation’s narrative, casting doubt on the legitimacy of the Tudors, who - let’s be honest - gave us Elizabeth I, Shakespeare, and the joy of watching Mary Queen of Scots lose at geopolitics.

The Yorkists, with their divisive antagonism and penchant for fratricidal power grabs, proved themselves unfit to govern when they turned the Wars of the Roses into a family reunion from hell. Richard III’s brief and bloody reign was a masterclass in bad PR: murdering your own nephews, alienating your allies, and losing your crown in a muddy field at Bosworth. Yet the Richard III Society would have us believe this was all a big misunderstanding, as if Richard was just a quirky uncle who got carried away with the pruning shears. Enough is enough! We cannot allow these Yorkist sympathisers to gain a foothold in our modern discourse, lest they start agitating for a return to divine-right monarchy, jousting-based elections, or - God forbid - white rose emojis on every government letterhead.

We therefore humbly beseech the powers that be to proscribe the Richard III Society as a clear and present danger to historical sanity. Let their gatherings be outlawed, their revisionist pamphlets burned, and their members gently but firmly redirected to less hazardous hobbies, like knitting or binge-watching The White Queen for irony’s sake. The Tudor succession must stand unassailed, for it paved the way for our modern age.