There’s not going to be an introduction here. I’m just going to cut to the chase.

Safe
I am an incredibly safe pick to perform at the halftime show. I will not curse or do anything crude, and will definitely NOT protest. No statements will be made by me or my team (which will consist of me and like two or three guys who know how to tune a guitar*). 

To prove how safe I am, I will have my knees surgically removed prior to kickoff so it is literally impossible for me to kneel during the anthem or during my set. 

*two or three guitar tuners is necessary just in case one of them is injured by the pyrotechnics, which will not be manned by anyone

Modern Day Sex Symbol
Dad bod is in, and that means I’m in. I am ready to be a sex symbol for young boys and girls who have always imagined what it might be like to kiss someone with the same body type as their father. 

As an incentive to the NFL, I will have an actual-sized, league regulation football tattooed above my pelvis, with the league shield prominently displayed. 

Football Fan
Wouldn’t it be nice for the halftime performer to actually know and appreciate the sport?

Yes. Yes, it would. 

I am a fan of football and always have been. Unlike most people, I see the beauty in the game, past the drug offenses, domestic abuse, cover-ups, concussions, and needless violence. Oh, and the catch rule. 

Per my hypothetical contract, I will live-tweet the game before and after halftime*, engaging with fans over the most-watched sporting event of the year**.

*If the unregulated pyrotechnics fail and there is a horrible accident, I will only tweet before halftime

**I will live-tweet only until a troll calls me “chunky,” “chubby,” or any variation of those two. I will not stand for that***

***I will stand for the anthem.

28–3 Depression
The Super Bowl will be held in the new Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta. I am unfortunately an Atlanta Falcons fan, and I cannot think of any better therapy than to perform in their home stadium, two years after they choked and ruined my life forever*

*Note: Do not go to a PTSD group and talk about how your favorite team blew a 25-point lead in the Super Bowl**. Trust me, just don’t do it.

**Note: If you are a team in the Super Bowl, do not blow a 25-point lead.

My Set
Here we are. The meat and potatoes of my entire pitch. What should you expect from me? Let me lay it all out for you:

• I rise from the ground in Wrangler jeans and an unbuttoned Banana Republic short sleeve casual shirt, showing off my stunning dad bod. An acoustic guitar hangs around my neck. 
• I walk up to the mic and say, “Hi, my name is Jared Hussey and I’ll be your entertainment for tonight. Follow me on Twitter at ‘husseyjared’ and also please subscribe to my podcast ‘Wikireadia,’ where I get drunk and read a random Wikipedia entry every week. Now let’s get this party started.”
• The crowd is obviously losing it after my introduction. They keep it going when they hear the familiar three chords that start “Free Fallin’” by the late Tom Petty. We don’t sing because, let’s be real, the words to that song are kind of stupid.
• “One, two, three, uh!” I go right into “Hey Ya!” by Outkast, because we are in Atlanta, after all. I play through the second chorus and stop right before the “shake it, shake, shake it” part because it’s hard to sing that and play guitar at the same time. I mean, let’s be real, I’m no Peter Frampton. 
• Next up is a sentimental one. A special surprise guest appears in the rafters — my golly! It’s Kermit the Frog! We duet on a beautiful rendition of “Rainbow Connection,” and pause for the thunderous applause that follows.
• I set my guitar down and walk over to the piano, where I attempt to play “Crocodile Rock,” but — get this — ABSOLUTELY BUTCHER IT. Like, it’s really bad. But it was all planned, and Sir Elton John himself appears via Skype on the jumbotron and scolds me. Before he goes, he wishes everyone a good morning, which is kind of weird, but then we all remember it’s like 4am in England because of the metric system or whatever. 
• With no more use for the piano, the plan is to set it on fire. However, since no one is working the pyrotechnics, nothing happens, and we just wasted $1,000,000 on an effect that sat under the stage. The piano goes unburnt, which is kind of a bummer.
• I go back to the guitar and strap it on. I tell the crowd, “The piano was supposed to blow up,” and they nod with understanding. 
• “Anyway, here’s ‘Wonderwall.’” I start playing the classic Oasis hit, but am stopped by both Liam and Noel Gallagher, who arrive in separate limousines that somehow made it past security. They each hand me cease and desist letters, which leads to some awkward conversation and a cathartic hug. They ask me for some instruments to put on a brief reunion performance, but I tell them I only brought one guitar and the piano is supposed to be on fire. They shrug and leave, presumably to catch up or whatever.
• After a wild ride, I close the set with an acoustic version of “Uptown Funk” in its entirety.

Thank you for considering my petition. Over a billion people worldwide would benefit if you signed it.