Yesterday as I went about my day I just kept going over the events on Friday.. Finally I had to stop and I know what I had to do. I had to ask the Lord for Forgiveness... Instead of focusing on the good of the day I only remembered the "But, etc.." I just wanted more and didn't want to settle for what I was just dealt.. See the day finally came where after surgery & 6 months of chemo I would be told if I was in Remission or not.. We arrived early and we were eager to hear the news...So after the usual where they check your weight, blood pressure, and have you put on one of them fancy gowns the doctor came in...You couldn't pay me enough to have there jobs.. To deliver good news is one thing but in a Cancer Hospital that always isn't the case.. So he sat down and went over the numbers with us.. my counts were still low and in the critical area.. Stay away from people till they go up..ok... then he told us I was in Remission.. the words I have waited 6 months to hear and then the "But" But we want you to keep getting one of the 3 chemo drugs you were getting.. Through your port every 3 weeks.. Ok, for how long?? Till the cancer returns.. I think my heart stopped for a second.. Returns???? When, how long do I have I asked.. He said you were in remission the first time 2 yrs so it is usually 1/2 the next time.. so in one year... One year... Oh no, see I wanted more time...... I want to finish my kitchen we started two years ago then put on hold, take long vacations in the camper, see my niece and her two kids again (hadnt seen them since I have been in isolation for 6 months), enjoy the holidays, see places in this country I haven't seen yet, spend MORE time with my hubby whom I love more than life, and finally sit in church an be with my church family who I miss terribly... We came home and all I thought about was the words he said about the cancer returning and nothing else.. So disappointed till yesterday.. I woke up and I realize Drs. have statistics they go by but our Lord doesn't go by numbers.. they may say I only have a year when in reality it is all left up to our maker... I have a saying I always say and that is "God knew my arrival date and he knows my departure date!!" so yes I owe him a apology.... For instead of looking up to him and thanking him for my remission I looked down and the days became dreary again... WE must never forget that he chooses how many years we have left here not man nor medicine. I believe through the doctors he gives them the ability to use modern medicine on us but he has the final say.. I will spend what time I have left here looking up and not down and thanking him for each day I have.. I will go every 3 weeks and get the chemo drug and keep praying my numbers go up I can be around people again.. I will enjoy the holidays this year an wait for spring so I can help my hubby plant the garden and just keep my focus on our Savior... I have been blessed. I have been in this fight for 4 yrs now but I do know I am not alone.. I thank all of you who have been praying for me and my husband.. He is my sunshine on the days that are kind of gloomy.. My reason for living....
P.S. Thank you also for the ones who have donated and gave to this huge hospital bill from the HIPEC Surgery the insurance still will not pay for.. It has been a tremendous relief.. so hard to be fighting cancer and then to fight the insurance companies to pay the bills.. the first of the year will be here in a few more months and then we will be hit up for $6,000 again for our deductibles & out of pocket expenses.. We already have had to come up with $24,000 for the last 4 yrs then they wont pay the surgery that is $40,060.00..Amazing to get this far in life and then to have these medical bills..So appreciative to the ones who have helped us..No one has this kind of money laying around to pay something like this.......