We had some revelations aired – which had been the other aspect behind my long silence – I owe you an update. Some weeks ago I spoke with Nazanin. She was no longer angry, but tired. She said she had spent too long being strong. She could no longer take the endless waiting, waking with hope and fear for Gabriella and her family. She had lost interest in conversation outside family, indifferent to her roommate continually changing or absent. She reported not knowing how she managed her glacier days, how she lost concentration and often had to repeat the page when reading, to remember the world outside her walls. And she said that two weeks previously she had decided to end it, had written me a goodbye letter - handing over Gabriella into my care, saying she had never loved anyone more. She left the letter with someone for her parents, and stopped praying. Others out of Iranian prisons talk of feeling suicidal, an inevitable enveloping of sadness. However radiant you went in - and Nazanin went to Iran full of holiday hopes, with an infectious pride in showing off Gabriella - many are moved in months to a very different place, to feel nothing but a burden best ended. Still it shocked me when it came home to us – seeing the gap between my understanding and what Nazanin endures. I understood better her parents’ quietness. I wondered what difference the campaigning makes? What could reach her? On her own, Nazanin revived. She resumed the battles inside – for a family visit long enough for Gabriella to fall asleep on her lap (first in 8 months), for a phone call to me. She took back her wedding ring (previously given to her mother following other prisoners seeing how well it fitted their fingers). On one call, Nazanin’s interrogator sent me his greetings, (he is alongside her whenever we speak). He said he hoped Nazanin would be home soon, the same interrogator who took her at the airport. I didn’t realise it on that call, but Nazanin was on hunger strike. She only said the food was terrible, and she was unable to use the left of her mouth, a neglected sensitivity. She stayed on hunger strike all week, until an emergency family visit. What they saw was shocking enough for her mum to pass out, for Gabriella to go hysterical. That persuaded Nazanin to eat the food her mum had brought. She was asked if she wanted the same food for the day of her filming. For the wider family, the biggest shock was mention of suicide, fielding the wider relatives calls. Until then, I hadn’t realised it was such a taboo to air – even if an integral part of prison pressures. Since she has kept eating. And been kept precarious, She has seen the prison doctor for pains in her hands and shoulders and neck, for problems with blurry vision, and a regular spinning head. She has talked of the regular palpitations and anxiety, glad not to see herself in a mirror. Her current mood remains empty. She manages counting in days, kept on a precipice - of conspicuous suffering as leverage. After my hunger strike interviews, she said: “You’ve discovered what they’ve been fighting about. Why do I have to be the victim? I just want to come home.” Every time she asks next to the guards what the government is doing? After the interviews, there was an inquest in prison, due to a mistranslation in the Farsi press - that Nazanin had sent me a letter. It provoked a fury of accusations at the family visit over how a letter was smuggled out, fury enough for Nazanin’s mother again to pass out. For Gabriella afterwards to report that Manamy always cries visiting mummy’s bedroom. Nazanin asked me to clarify – she never actually sent a letter. Nothing came via her parents. She is not feeling suicidal now. The other fallout came from the Prime Minister’s announcement at PMQs that she was ready to repatriate Gabriella. Nazanin’s family were instantly alarmed on the phone. Nazanin also heard from the Guards. She called to plead not to take her baby away: “She is the only one who gives me hope. I won’t survive without her.” I have promised to do nothing without discussing face-to-face. The Guards gave Nazanin an ultimatum – Gabriella can stay with her in prison up to 3 days a week, or Nazanin should sign a disclaimer waiving her legal rights to access. If she agrees to the stay, she can move rooms. It is some choice – would you want your baby in prison? Some change from last year’s playpen in the picture. I asked her not to sign anything, but check if a day visit or two half days were possible? She is unsure she has the strength to look after a toddler full-time. But spending time together would help rebuild them both, now and for after. It would help Nazanin climb up the spout again. It would help her hang on for the sun – like your letters while she is inside prison, a reminder right now that prison is not inside her.