It is an outrage that Irish-Canadian billionaire Willard Galen Garfield Weston (a.k.a. Galen Weston Jr.) has the audacity to go through life with a name that bears absolutely no resemblance to that of the national company which pays him over eight million dollars of its hard-earned profits per year. While the moniker "Garfield" may have a certain flabby-tabby cachet to it, we expect better than to have our already-expensive groceries associated with a man whose given names are arguably better suited to ancient Roman physicians, Captain Kirk's short-lived second-in-command, and at least one local music producer. At least Mr. Per Bank, the new CEO of Loblaw Companies Ltd., has a forthright, honest name which suggests the serious bank he makes in his current position (to the tune of $22.1 million last year alone).

That a hardworking businessman already plagued by price-fixing scandals and allegations of underpaying the many workers under his direction lives under such a tremendously out-of-place appellation does little to inspire trust in Canadians. Simply put, the face of a major national grocery chain must have a name that is on-brand and which reflects the company he stands behind.

Better yet, it would greatly improve Mr. Weston's public image to choose a name associated with the honest labour of the common person — something relatable to the average Joe, or Jim, or perhaps even Bob.

Therefore, the way forward is clear: we demand that Willard Galen Garfield Weston, current Chairman and Director at Loblaw Companies Limited, take immediate and summary action to legally change his name to Robert Loblaw. If Mr. Weston truly intends to restore Canadians' faith that his company will return to its original mission of "higher qualities at a much lower price than [we are] used to paying" (The Globe, Toronto, Nov. 19, 1926), we expect him to take notice and enthusiastically follow through on our demand.

Mr. Weston — or rather, Mr. Loblaw, or Mr. Bob for short — we look to you. Apply for your legal name change today, and make Canadians proud to buy your products!

[The photo associated with this petition is sourced from the website of the Canadian Alliance for Net-Zero Agri-Food and is being used in edited form for the purposes of satire, parody, and/or criticism in accordance with the Fair Dealing exception under Canadian copyright law. Please don't sue me, I'm just a small-time drag queen.]