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Last chapter of 2020-Shredding codependency to arrive at SELF-love.

During my period of MIA, I have been working on codependency traits.  I spent time with my family and I was able to observe their relationships. Their relationships are their business but here is what I found out about me. 

All of these years I was addicted to love, I was addicted to the idea of love. I looked at everyone and saw love and I never looked at how I viewed love. My inadequacies of that truth became real recently, but this time I felt powerful and confident in my choice. Letting go of the person was hard but finding me will make love and my life easier. The matrix will have you shadow boxing your own reflection, feeling like hells rejection. 

I was chasing something that I was desperate for, I was also known as the runner and the chaser.  

Now I am the receiver of love. No more chasing or running. Self-sabotaging behaviors is codependency both are designed to subconsciously draw you away from your souls desires. 

I realized what I was looking for and it only made love feel like a betrayal. I made love feel like it just came with conflict and struggle. I financially self-sabotage by over giving. I emotionally invested too quickly. I said, “I love you too loosely.”  I was eager to please.  I wasn’t able to create appropriate boundaries. All these issues stems from rejection, abandonment and fear of never achieving love. Never really feeling deserving of love. 

What came easy to me is that I knew what I was not receiving? And I focused on that and it became my strength. And I felt like I was living in a delusional state of mind. I was creating false love with no clear communication or boundaries. It was childlike behavior and youthful thinking (impulses, irrational). I loved and gave freely because I had nothing to lose but a piece of my heart which over the years, I’ve been able to heal quickly. Then I realized my heart wasn’t broken it was my soul that needed healing and nurturing. My inner child. 

As of yesterday, I learned how to master my intuition and my discernment by just letting go logically and accepting what is will be.

Fully, trusting my angels and ancestors to guide me toward my path of greatness.  Now that I am healed, I can help others reach their greatness that dwells within.

The space in my mind is my peace, no one can disturb or have access to it anymore. I stood in my confidence and in my power. I think I did it gracefully and tastefully, it depends on who is telling the story her or I. Perception is everything. I tried explaining absent from blaming because blaming is also self-sabotaging behaviors. 

I am no longer staying in situations that bind me: no sex at all and once I stayed in relationship for a year  without sex that included no affection or intimacy standing up. Or I was in a relationship that wanted too much sex (enegry vampires). I was cheated on and allowed it to happen (self-inflicted pain). I have been the abuser in my younger years; believe me the ass whippings that I received over the years isn’t anything compared to the self-imposed wombs that I thought I deserved.

Due to mental distress, past trauma and more abuse. When does the story end? Well that’s up to the willpower of your mind. Everyone in life picks and chose their own battles and when it is time to fully mature emotionally.

I am a liberated soul because what tried to hold me back is what freed me.

I can hear and see manipulation of any form (Passive-aggressive, opportunistic~dishonesty, poor communicator, withholding of information, isolating a person from their loved ones, gaslighting, verbal abuse (name calling and using sex as a tool to lore you back in). The darkness will not win over the light so, be strong and fearless warriors, the tools and support that you need is within you. And resources are available in your community to seek mental health services and or spiritual/intuitive guidance (transpersonal therapy or transformational coaching).  So, much help is available do what makes you feel comfortable. Asking for health is scary and so is change open your heart and mind to be receptive. 

This year my heart center grew in confidence and I hope you have too. I don’t walk alone anymore and neither should you. I am not alone and neither are you. Lonely yes, but not desperate. I am assertive, not needy or clingy.  I communicate what I feel and what I see from my perspective. I don’t get lost in people saying well you should have been more patient with me. Guilt is a form of manipulation be careful, it looks and feel different, it pulls at the heart. Playing victim is also manipulation, to make you feel like you did something wrong to them. So, they do not take responsibility for how they made you feel. They will be dismissive.   “I didn’t or wasn't ignoring you.” If I said it out loud that made it real. Trust your truth. Don’t allow anyone to think for you. Try not to think with your logical mind or your heart go below the surface of your subconscious mind.  

Put you first and always listen to the flow of your enegry go within.

Energy is everything, it flows through me, therefore, I am subconsciously checking in. I wear a shield and I wear a cloak to protect me from trespassers. You can too it’s is call the Power of Prayer (Lord’s Prayer).  I am fully and divinely guided. I am God's child; he knows my heart and true intention.

As the Most High sees you, as a vessel and any weapon form against you shall not prosper. 

A week ago my heart expanded, the burning in my heart is the Most High dwelling within me. Therefore, I have greater access to my higher soul who is at the wheel. 
I am a boss. He is a boss who now leads me in every aspect of my life.  Just like a boss I cannot conform to anyone’s idea of who I should be and what I should do? Or who I should be with? Any kind of love at this point will be divinely orchestrated and natural. Not perfect, but complete.

I was told to come down from my throne that I am sitting on. If I am sitting on a throne then so, be it.

One of my spirit guides is the Lion. I checked my ego at the gate. I don’t have to do anything but sit pretty beside the throne, underneath the sun (Jesus) and watch my ancestors work to send the messages to God. Of how I passed the test. I am Thankful and grateful for the lessons. 

So, who do I trust the most, the delusion or my ancestors?  I will take ancestors for $2million Alex! and some new teeth Lol. I’m tired of getting beat down on all levels. So, I am asking and going to get back what’s mine, set intentions and be specific. Write your vision boards and goals out. No more codependency, no more fears, no more running, no more chasing and no more self-inflicted pain. 

Moving forward I am the gift,  you are the gift, and yes, I am the head N.I.C and so, are you. That goes with family, friends or foe. I always say they will need me before I need them. I tell people I can be your karmic lesson or your blessing or vice versa. I’m not exempt. This time around was a lesson of no longer being in non-communal or detached relationships.

If you are not emotional and financially stable then I don’t want no parts and you shouldn’t either.  2021 is going to be a new me, new you, new adventures, new partnerships,  and new opportunities. Remember everyone is on their own healing journey so, be gentle. 

I have one more message to write so, I’ll be back in a day or so. Until then I hope this will help someone who needs to release old relationships. I would never ever tell anyone to leave someone but if you are not happy evaluate it and rewrite it.  Say it Ain't so…..goodbye matrix 2020. Imma free!!! ����