WHEREAS Canada supplies the United States with the majority of its toilet paper imports, making this nation the G7's foremost authority on wiping;

WHEREAS the United States has spent the better part of this year slapping tariffs on Canadian wine, cement, plywood, and clothing like we're a hostile trading partner and not the country  keeping their bathrooms functional;

WE THEREFORE PROPOSE a new diplomatic standard: retaliation measured not in dollars, but in Wipes Per Capita Denied (WPCD), the only metric that truly captures the stakes of this conflict.

We, the undersigned, call on the Government of Canada to escalate immediately from tariffs to a full embargo, effective the moment the next ridiculous tweet about our sovereignty drops

Let the record show that Canada did not spend a century perfecting northern bleached softwood kraft pulp so it could be squandered on a nation that shows us disrespect. That pulp built this country, that pulp deserves far better and that pulp is coming home. America can figure out their TP issues on their own. 

We propose the following measures: 

 1. An immediate embargo on all toilet paper exports south of the 49th parallel, effective the moment the next insane Trump “truth” about our sovereignty drops

 2. A National Toilet Paper Reserve, modeled directly on the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, to be tapped only in the event of a "Charmin shortage" or a G7 summit hosted in Ottawa

 3. A formal impact assessment titled Projected American Wipe Deficit, Q1–Q4, to be published quarterly until an apology is issued.

 4. A formal ultimatum: toilet paper flow resumes only once the United States agrees to say "sorry" unprompted, in public, on camera, without a follow-up complaint.