AN INTERVIEW WITH MY DAD ON GAY PRIDE: “I AM PROUD TO BE A CHILD OF GOD. THIS IS THE GAY THAT THE LORD HATH MADE.” By KELLE HAMPTON 

I’m Kelle — writer, mother, maker. If I could sew, I’d make pretty yellow pillows and invite you to sit on them. Since I can’t, I stitch words and photos together and put them on this blog. Welcome to my online couch…

The story goes like this: My dad has been gay his entire life. It is a tiny part of who he is as a person, but it is also a big part of who he is, evident by the many years he tried to hide that part of himself from all those that loved him and all those he loved. My dad’s father was the international bishop of the Free Methodist Church for many years, and my dad followed his footsteps, went to seminary and became an ordained pastor in the Free Methodist Church as well (which, for the record, does not allow openly gay pastors, from the FMC pastoral response to sexual orientation that proclaims: “In this area, homosexual behavior cannot be seen as part of God’s intended role for human sexual expression, regardless of a person’s attraction”). My very young childhood memories involve many happy and nostalgic memories of church–watching my dad preach and my mom play the piano for Sunday services, church potlucks and choir programs, Sunday school lessons taught with flannelgraph figures of a kind-looking bearded Jesus and children on his lap. Overall, I felt safe and loved and protected by a greater being who loved the world like his own child. While I disagree with many things the FMC doctrine teaches, I am grateful for the foundation of God’s love it gave (and still gives) my family. I graduated from Spring Arbor University, a Free Methodist college; and by that time, I was openly challenging issues of homosexuality and the church in class with a few professors who were open and understanding in listening and discussing it.

When I was eight, my parents separated, ultimately because my dad is gay. It was a hard and awful separation for our entire family, but thank goodness I was loved through it. Understandably, my mom was devastated and hurt and turned to what she knew her entire life to bring her comfort and direction–the Bible and the church. The church that took us in and helped her rebuild her life (non-denominational, not affiliated with our former FMC foundation and clearly–as I recognize now–a straight-up cult) taught us that God hated sin, that homosexuality was a sin, and that God demanded we separate from my dad–not eat with him, not accept his gifts, not laugh with him or have fun with him. They told us to pray that he would get AIDS as God’s punishment, because maybe that would bring him back to God. I was nine by the time we had made weekend visitation with my dad such hell (I’ll spare you the memories, but it was the worst year of my entire life) that it ended. My dad ended it–called and said, if we were miserable and courts and church people were going to be involved in the battle, he wasn’t going to make us see him. Secretly, I missed him terribly.

I should add that this was initiated by the church, not my mom. There are so many things about divorce and infidelity and–especially at that time–homosexuality that cause so much pain, especially in the church (my mom’s father was also a Free Methodist pastor). My mom lost everything she loved and in a way that was full of shame–people didn’t talk about this stuff. She was heartbroken in a way I will never understand. But she always remained a quiet loving, nurturing presence in my life–exactly who she is today. She loves and mothers so well. And I love her so much for how she withstood those years by herself and for how she loved us.

My dad went on those years, discovering who he was and building a life with Gary but still keeping it from his parents and his brothers, although I assume it was a loose family secret (he’s written a little about it on the blog here). Years later, I’d reach out to him–a stranger at that point–and get to know him all over again. I never thought we’d end up where we are now–best friends–and there are many times when I watch him with my children and think, “You thought you’d be fatherless…look at what you have.”

Whether or not it’s a gay stereotype, I love that my dad loves Barbra Streisand and Eva Cassidy, and yes, can decorate and arrange flowers but so can a lot of other men who aren’t gay. When I was in college, my dad and Gary took me to my first Cher concert. In the spirit of Cher, I dressed up as her–full on long black wig (hair flip), false eyelashes and silver sparkles everywhere. When I found myself walking with my dad and Gary by my side, in an arena among thousands of other gay men who also loved Cher, I’ll admit I got stopped by many who said, “Oh honey, you’re good. You actually look like a woman.” To which I replied, “because I am a woman”–and they’d walk away, laughing, with a “yeah, right.” What I’m most proud of though, is that my dad is true to himself, despite the fact that he grew up in a culture where the life he lives today was something to be hidden and tucked away. To love somebody and share a life with them and not be able to invite your family to see that? I can’t imagine how hard that would be.

I’ve not done a good job at concealing my contempt of The Church as a whole in my writing or even in funneling that contempt to a greater understanding of people’s love and loyalty to the establishment of church. In fact, I’ve discussed a church memoir many times with my agent, but always walk away from that project, knowing I’m not in a place to write it at this point in my life. Good storytelling ends up turning in to a soapbox for me, trying to prove something and convince people to think like I do–and it doesn’t feel good to me. I’ve been working on it, and I’m definitely more understanding today than I used to be. The world is flawed; people are flawed. Churches tend to the wounded in beautiful ways, raise millions upon millions of dollars to feed the hungry and shelter the poor and remain a safe place for many to turn to when they have nowhere else to turn. I’m so thankful for the good work of good people, both inside and outside of the church; whether for the sake of the work of God or simply for the sake of human kindness. I do know one thing–my faith and my love of God and people, my understanding of myself and this world, and my ability to love the way God intended me to love is fullest, brightest and most beautiful when I practice it in the open daisy-filled fields outside the walls of church where the blue sky stretches around the entire face of this earth and is shared equally among beating hearts. Everyone on Oprah gets a new car. You get to get married, and you get to get married and YOU get to get married. You’re a part of our club, and you’re a part of our club, and YOU’RE a part of our club. You get to go to heaven for accepting who God made you to be, and you get to go to heaven for accepting who God made you to be, and YOU get to go to heaven for accepting who God made you to be.

All that to say, I’ve been wanting to interview my dad on the blog for a long time–about being gay and his stance on the church he still loves. In a polarized political and spiritual culture, I think his voice is important. He’s still a conservative man…who happens to be gay. My sister and I, the liberals of the family, have a lot of discussions with him about some of these matters, some that get a little passionate. We march in the gay parades while my dad chooses to watch us march for him. He applauds our marching even though he doesn’t like to do the parade thing himself. His gay advocacy is subtle; ours is loud. In all forms of advocacy, I’m realizing both are important.

I began this interview with several phone calls to my dad, asking him if he was comfortable writing about it, telling him the kind of things I wanted to talk about. It followed with many e-mails and, I admit, some frustration on my end as I felt he was protective and too understanding of the church and his friends deeply rooted in ultra conservative opinions (“Dad, they straight-up think you’re going to hell and vehemently make efforts to make sure you don’t have the same rights to what they cherish.”). I felt he wasn’t stepping up to the mic to advocate when given a chance, but I understand him better now. Some of the things in his answers I never knew and cried reading about. Some of my questions didn’t get answered in any straightforward way but rather buried in stories. I tried going back and editing questions a bit but have decided to keep our discussion as it happened. Some of it is disjointed, stream-of-consciousness writing, but there’s truth in all of it and the way it’s told. I’m sure there are contradictions on both of our approaches, but the world and people at large are riddled with contradictions. I’m okay with that. The bottom line is that I love my people–all of them; my family and friends in the church, my mom, my dad, people who think like me, people who don’t. I want to be better at understanding, I want to be better at loving.

So here we go. … Read the interview and full article here!