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Petitioning The Chicago Cubs

Refuse to indulge stupid fans.

This is important because stupid people suck.

If you are tired of Ronnie Woo Woo and the crumbling stadium and oversized novelty glasses and singing as the ship sinks and “We Got Wood” and putting stock in prospects who haven’t yet proven a damn thing and loving a brand instead of a team and a beer garden atmosphere full of frat boy self-retardation and chicks who only show up to games to advertise their boobs—wait, that last one is fine, sorry—taking precedent over winning baseball, if you want to associate yourself with a higher-thinking Cub fanbase, then sign my petition.

It needs to be known that there is a significant percentage of this fanbase that has championships as its sole desire and cares not for the superficialities with which the organization has become associated (deserved or not). The time for feel-good stories and folk heroes and futility and fustercluckery has come to an end. We believe that intelligent fans of a team care about winning. Period. And as intelligent fans we expect nothing less than an organization doing its very best to put the best product possible on the field now and concerning itself with songs and promotions and mascots way later (if at all).

We are tired of being considered the laughing stock of baseball, and we are especially finished with having supposed Cubs fans perpetuate stereotypes and fan the flames of mockery via their ignorance what is most important. We are critical-thinkers, and we are frustrated.

We are not loveable losers. We are irritable and wanting. We are not eternal optimists. We are pissed-off pragmatists.

We are real Cub fans, and we will not be content waiting ‘til next year.

This petition was delivered to:
  • The Chicago Cubs

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