Hire Alan Partridge to Replace Jeremy Clarkson
Hire Alan Partridge to Replace Jeremy Clarkson
Please sign our petition to ask the BBC to make the obvious and correct decision to hire Alan Partridge as the new host of Top Gear.
We don't think we need to explain why Alan is the only logical replacement for national disgrace Jeremy Clarkson, but in case you're not convinced that he's perfect...
1. Clarkson punched Top Gear producer Oisin Tymon in the face because he wouldn't let him have a steak; Alan hit BBC Commissioning Editor Tony Hayers in the face with a block of cheese, because he wouldn't let him have another TV series.
2. Sports journalism experience. Alan once asked a french racing driver what the biggest road he had ever driven on was.
3. Cars / Car Chases - Alan has a long and passionate history with cars, much like Jeremy. "I love that noise" Alan cries, when locking his Kia Optima. “"This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory,” enthuses Jeremy about the Lotus Elise.
Both have also been embroiled in epic car chases: Alan, in the world's slowest police chase through the badlands of Norwich in a Radio Norwich outside broadcast van; Jeremy and co, chased through the Argentinian countryside by outraged locals who attacked them with rocks and pickaxes, upset by their Porsche's number plate.
4. Jeremy is, of course, renowned for destroying vehicles he loathes. Alan, on the other hand, was the victim of car vandalism: the night before his all-important meeting with BBC commissioning editor Tony Hayers, sub-human scum spray painted his Rover 800 with "'C*ck P*ss Partridge". Jeremy and Alan share a mutual disdain for the Mini Metro; Jeremy describing it as 'It’s terrible. Biblically terrible. Possibly the worst car money can buy.' Alan fervently refuses to drive one in "Alan Attraction": 'I'm not driving a Mini Metro I'm not driving a Mini Metro I'm not driving a Mini Metro.'
5. BBC - Jeremy's current situation is nothing compared with Alan shooting dead a guest on his television show, Knowing Me, Knowing You.
6. Alan lost his wife's Nissan Micra in a bet; Jeremy Clarkson put his bank details in the newspaper to prove data was secure and someone promptly set up a £500 direct debit to the charity Diabetes UK in his name.
7. In Alan Partridge: Welcome to the Places of My Life, Alan drives a Reasonably Priced Car - Vauxhall Insignia - voted Car of the Year by... Top Gear, in 2009.
LYNN SHOULD ALSO REPLACE RICHARD HAMMOND
James May can stay, unless Michael is available.
"Not my words, the words of Top Gear Magazine" - Alan Partridge.
If you're still not convinced that Alan is the man for the job, see if you can tell the difference between him and the man he should replace...
PARTRIDGE OR CLARKSON - Answers below.
A "The reason that people from Birmingham never leave Birmingham is because that's the only place they don't sound thick."
B "If Einstein had been from Birmingham, no-one would’ve taken the “theorai of relativitai” seriously.”
A "Honestly, the burka doesn't work. I was in a cab in Piccadilly the other day when a woman in a full burka crossing the road in front of me tripped over the pavement, went head over heels and up it came, red g-string and stockings."
B "Never, never criticise Muslims. Only Christians. And Jews a little bit."
A "I have bought a farm. There are many sensible reasons for this. Land is a better investment than any bank can offer. The government doesn't get any of my money when I die. And the price of the food that I grow can only go up. But there is another, much more important reason: I can now have a quad bike."
B "If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plow the family into the soil, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother."
A "Bucktoothed simpletons with eyebrows on their cheeks... horses running through council estates... men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings... badly tarmacced drives... in this country."
B: “Lazy Irish c*nt.”
A “It's cholesterol; Scottish people eat it”
B “One-eyed Scottish idiot”
A "[Lexi are] the Japanese Mercedes."
B "The only Japanese cars with even a trace of humanity are Hondas."
A "I am about to embark on my longest ever trans-London bike ride."
B "If it's cycling championships you're after, you can't say fairer than the Tour de France."
A "I suppose if you were going to execute a bird of prey the most humane way would be death by firing squad."
B "It's like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time."
1 A – JC, B - AP
2 A – AP, B - JC
3 A – JC, B – AP
4 A – JC, B – AP
5 A – AP, B – JC
6 A – AP, B – JC
7 A - AP, B – JC
8 A - JC, B – AP
9 A – AP, B - JC