Even though J. Edgar Hoover is long gone, the way his waxy likeness hovers menacingly over me makes this scene look very realistic. It really sums up how I’ve always felt as an autistic person who didn’t know she was autistic. 

I always had the feeling of being "in trouble”.

I didn’t grow up in the US. When I finally returned to the country of my citizenship after nearly 20 years of living in a foreign country, I was woefully unprepared for this culture. There was a lot of "bad and beware”.  I wondered what it was about me that made me a target for workplace bullying and prey for predatory male coworkers. Looking back, I think it was because I never could fit in. When you don’t fit in and don’t know how to make others like you, it makes it harder for you to navigate life. Just being a kind, caring and helpful person wasn’t enough. My toxic trait as an undiagnosed autistic person was never wanting to brown-nose in order to be liked and accepted. My strength is that I can see people for who they really are, and this petition has shown me that. None of the people in my local area who have heard my story about my son being bullied or my daughter being discriminated against by her IEP team have signed the petition. One white woman who says she works for an antiracist nonprofit wanted me to include an infographic she created but didn’t want to sign the petition. I politely declined. She claimed to believe in my cause but her actions speak otherwise.

She also tried to question my credibility, saying that I am using a pseudonym and expecting others to sign the petition using their real names. Nowhere does it say on this platform that you must use your real name to sign. I told her to watch Dr. Carey Yazeed’s video on why “Courage Culture” ( as promoted by Brené Brown) is not for Black women. I courageously spoke out against what was happening to the Palestinian people and I was kicked out of a private Facebook group! Also, another reason is that I had to sign an NDA as part of a settlement between me and my former employer for being sexually harassed by a male physician assistant. That’s why I do not use my real name online anymore. It wouldn’t take much for people to figure out who I am, though. Still, as I have three young children, I need to protect them as well. 

I shouldn’t have had to explain myself to this white woman who claims to be an "ardent antiracist practitioner” ( her exact words). She called into question my credibility when I honestly told her that I felt some kind of way when she used me as the inspiration for her infographic yet she was unwilling to sign my petition. Hence, I thought that picture of me above with my head in my hands was "fitting and proper” for what I am going through. 

Another creator of a Facebook page expressed her pessimism about my petition. I know I have a lot of odds to beat, being a nobody with no followers, clout or social capital, with most of the viewers of this campaign probably mocking me or thinking I am two sandwiches short of a picnic, but you know what? If this petition makes even just one whyte supremacist admin think twice about kicking a Black person out of their group for racist reasons, then I will have succeeded.

You could say this campaign is going nowhere and yet it is going nowhere, yes. I will not be discouraged by the lack of support from the Black community. I will leave this petition up indefinitely as a social experiment to see who is willing to believe me and my story. To see who wants to actually help do something - no matter how inconsequential it may seem - to help dismantle white supremacy in these social media spaces.

Have a Happy and Prosperous New Year everyone!