Thoughts after our first Community Meeting with District Leaders.
I am still grappling with the decision, the “list”. The proposal is what I’m supposed to call it. A proposal driven by an either-or guideline. Either you have less than enough students or you have less than the right amount of building use. They stacked the deck in their favor, like a two headed coin. It’s a package deal a 12-million-dollar savings, an all or nothing package deal. How can the BoE say no, I don’t think they can. The proposal is to close 16 schools at once in Phase I of “Reginal Opportunities for Thriving Schools”. I get stuck on the “Opportunities for Thriving Schools” words because our school Campbell IS THRIVING. Our black and white numbers lump us into a pile of “non-thriving” laundry. Right now, it feels that way, like we’ve been thrown to the floor in a heap. Being told a narrative that as soon as possible we’ll forget the shock, the pain, the disbelief, and keep going, like nothing has happened. The district tells us to look towards a brighter future with more “robust” and “extraordinary experiences”. It also feels like the district is guilting communities and schools into feeling bad for being upset, for wanting to rally for their schools. Gaslighting at its finest, covered by “through the lens of opportunity”. As parents, teachers, and leaders we must swallow our emotions and keep moving forward for the children. We will tell them everything is going to be “okay”, they’ll be “okay”, we will be okay. Behind our smiles and reassuring head nods, we will grind our teeth, pinch ourselves or literally bite our tongues to fake-it-till-we-make-it.
Fake it till we make it… I say that all the time, but in this context, I feel ashamed that faking it is of my coping mechanisms. We might all do it, but at what cost? People will say that is part of life, that is what we do to be responsible, participating, productive human adults; we suck it up and deal with it. That is a harsh mentality, the suck-it-up buttercup world should be replaced by patience and empathy. To sympathize is much easier than genuine empathy, they are not the same. I hope new generations will grasp kindness, empathy, and positive affirmations over hurry-up, get-over-it. We DO need to move on, and we need to stay optimistic but each in their own time. Grief is not a race.
The children, families, teachers, and staff of Campbell are grieving. Everyone processes grief at a different pace, and grief is not saved for death alone. Grief is for the loss of the unexpected. Be it love, life plans, children, pets, home loss, job loss…a school closure, and more. With positive affirmations, and acknowledging grief, we can build trust, networks of safety and create resiliency. We progress faster with positive reinforcement and productive criticism, not rhetoric, and negativity. When we are told things like “its part of life, life isn’t fair” it discounts our emotions. Which makes us feel like we don’t matter, leading to distrust, acting out, reclusiveness and potentially violent behavior or even suicide. When we create an atmosphere in the moment that is supportive, listens, protects and honors the emotions we create a safe space. NO pain, NO gain; is not sane and it needs to go away. Its unhealthy. We need to learn to compartmentalize our emotions. Allow space for the uncomfortable bits but keep space for the butterflies and rainbows too. Everything in moderation, we can’t be productive and emotionally healthy if we live in either space for too long.
There are many voices and efforts now aware of the Jeffco situation who are running to the fire with buckets of water ready for the good fight. I am still in that group, bucket in hand however, I see past the flames. I must, I am an overthinker, someone who needs to always think ahead and beyond. I am a planner and a list maker who thrives on knowledge and answers because I am a seeker. I understand and accept that some families are ready to accept our new fate and move on, no more conversation. I urge them to stay in the conversation. Sooner or later, we will all arrive at the same destination. All viewpoints need to have patience, everyone needs a chance to be heard.
I will continue to talk about all the good things about Campbell, the reasons it does not make sense to close Campbell, and more. I will ask why our school is the only school on the consolidation list that is being divided into 2-receiving schools? I will ask how they plan to hire and train enough bus drivers to bus the children in the closure area of Arvada to their new schools? How will they help the families who financially need it the most? I will ask why a school that has over 350 kids is forced to shutter instead of becoming a receiving school? I will ask why the district wants to push some receiving schools to and over capacity? I will ask teachers directly if they feel they are being treated with fairness. I will also be proactive. I’m going into conduit-mode to channel information from the source to other families. I will be the listener and a guide whenever possible. I will do my part to hold the District accountable to their promises! Reality has forced me to see beyond, the sun will rise again on a new day. It is okay for the new day to sometimes feel sad, scary, mad, or sometimes excited for something new or even blah, when we say “meh” roll our eyes and just go through the motions. The day is still going to be new; over and over, again and again. Like the day, I will look to find the silver lining. It is in my nature. I am an optimist. Love it or hate it, I am.
In dark times, it has been hard for me to find that lining, a reason to see past the pain and sadness but I did because I believe in “this too shall pass”. It will get easier, you will feel happy again, hold onto hope however small.
Hope. A small word with huge impact. It is hard, impossible at times when it hurts to find hope. When you feel consumed by your current situation. In the case of facing terminal cancer with my Mom and holding her until she passed away in my arms a few short years later. It was so finalizing; I’ve never felt anything like it. She was gone, really gone. During the weeks and months prior I was mostly non communicative with my friends or family. I isolated myself, hunkered down to prepare for the ultimate moment when I would say goodbye. It was absolutely the hardest thing I thought I had ever done at the time. The moment finally came when she left this realm, and I took the biggest breath in and out of my life with a sigh of relief. I had survived through it; it was over, and I was okay. Her fight was over and my next one had just begun. Somehow in that moment of loss was when I began to heal. After that it got easier every day, the worst had already happened, and I was learning to move on, day by day, little by little.
Day by day, one small task at a time. Give yourself praise for the simple completed tasks, even the mundane. Getting dressed, getting out of bed, brushing your teeth or your hair. Lying in bed but still journaling at least one positive thought, anything is better than nothing. When you look back, you’ll begin to see a pattern of accomplishments that can propel you to do more.
I’m now in my motherhood and wife stage of life. During the newborn phase I constantly reminded myself this stage will pass but I also learned my child would grow exponentially right before my eyes. I needed to breathe in her smell, slow down and not ask when will this end, but tell myself its okay, this isn’t forever, this is necessary, this is part of being a parent. I don’t wish for my child to grow up any faster than nature intends, I soak it in.
I know my resolves will be tested again in life by grief and loss, I am trying to document the moments of hope to reflect upon when I need it. I encourage others to do the same.
Jeffco is doing an injustice to our children, families, and neighborhoods by not involving communities in the discussions before the BoE requested the FCB Report. They are ripping apart networks for children who need them most on the promise of tomorrow but the District has a history of not long-term planning. Something in Jeffco has got to change or this will happen again. It is clear we will never have piece of mind in our schools until Jeffco changes its approach to enrollment issues. Declining birth rates are not a new phenomenon. In a world of Choice, why is the District not engaging in direct marketing in neighborhoods with schools? The Charters do it. The problem of enrollment will not go away by closing 16 schools and who knows how many in Phase II. Until Jeffco identifies the “why” behind decisions they will never know how to better serve the choice out population; meanwhile they will continue to lose more students and staff due to mistrust. This conversation has been at the heart of so many conversations since July that sometimes I shut down, sometimes I cry, sometimes storm around the house. It takes a lot of energy to mad this long, I’m tired, other families are tired, teachers and principals are over it. I fear the participation Jeffco seeks for a better tomorrow is jaded. I hope families use the chance to voice their grievances and hold Jeffco accountable to creating the utopian schools they want us to imagine.
For me, my energy is best spent on positivity. If it comes to it, I’ll poor energy into making Campbell’s last year as an Elementary one for every child, teacher, staff, parent, family, or friend to enjoy, to remember and to bond over. I can visit but I can’t stay in the mad zone too long, its time to change lanes and continue forward, advocating as I go.
Thank you for your continued support!
-Nicole