Many Baby Boomers—those born between 1946 and 1964—may not realize they are suffering from ailments induced by long-term lead poisoning. This unfortunate condition stems from post-World War II America, when lead-based paints, leaded gasoline, and an unwavering trust in corporations were at an all-time high. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), prolonged lead exposure can cause high blood pressure, heart disease, kidney disease, reduced fertility, and—most concerning—a lower IQ (which, honestly, explains a lot of their Facebook posts).

Today, countless Baby Boomers may be unknowingly battling the effects of lead poisoning, with symptoms often mistaken for “just getting older” or “refusing to Google things before loudly declaring them facts.” We believe it’s time to take action before one more Boomer posts an obviously fake chain email warning about how QR codes will steal your soul.

What We’re Asking For:
We demand comprehensive medical aid for Boomers, including routine lead level testing for anyone who still refers to texting as “that damn thumb-typing.” We also call upon the government to enforce stricter regulations on all remaining sources of lead—especially wherever it might be hiding in that junk drawer full of old batteries and loose screws that they insist is ‘still useful.’

Our Bold Solution: The Boomer Wellness Camps
If deemed necessary (and let’s face it, it will be), affected individuals will be placed in specially designed Boomer Wellness Camps—a safe environment where they will receive medical care while enjoying all the amenities a Boomer could ever need, including:

Designated areas for complaining about “kids these days” while simultaneously expecting their grandkids to fix their printer over the phone.
Daily seminars on how to write a Facebook status that isn’t a 17-paragraph rant ending with “I bet none of you will share this!”
An all-you-can-eat buffet with a single plate limit, ensuring maximum frustration.
Workshops on how to properly hang up a phone without slamming it down like a 1970s detective.
A climate-controlled room where they can turn the thermostat down to 65 and then complain that it’s freezing.
A classic rock karaoke night where they can belt out “Sweet Home Alabama” and pretend they didn’t spend most of their lives calling actual Alabama a dump.
An interactive grocery store simulationwhere they can take 20 minutes to write a check, argue with the cashier about expired coupons, and then stand in front of the exit while blocking everyone else’s way.
The Timeshare Regret Pavilion, where they can relive the joy of making yet another bad real estate investment before blaming it on “the darned fine print.”
By signing this petition, you stand with us in ensuring better healthcare, better awareness, and better-managed generational grievances for those affected by decades of unregulated lead exposure. Together, we can help Baby Boomers live healthier lives—or, at the very least, finally figure out how to change the input on their TV without calling their kids for help.

Sign now! Or don’t. Just don’t call us to ask how to do it.