We, the concerned friends, family, and innocent bystanders of Austin, demand an immediate and permanent Cheese Ceasefire.

Austin is a wonderful human in many ways — charming, funny, occasionally productive. But when it comes to cheese, he has the self-control of a raccoon in a dumpster behind Whole Foods. He doesn’t eat cheese. He weaponizes it. Queso for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch, “just a little parmesan” that somehow turns into a full charcuterie board for dinner. His fridge looks like a dairy farm exploded. His arteries are filing for emotional damages.

We have watched in horror as:

•  Pizza night became “Pizza + extra cheese + cheese stuffed crust + side of cheese”

•  “Light snack” turned into an entire wheel of brie that he defended with his life (“It’s mostly air!”)

•  His “I’m being healthy” salad was 90% feta and regret

The cheese must stop. For his cholesterol. For his waistline. For the structural integrity of his pants. For the sake of everyone forced to smell “aged gouda” burps during movie night.

Our demands:

1.  Immediate cheese embargo — no more than 1 (one) pathetic string cheese per week.

2.  Mandatory vegetable intervention program (kale has rights too).

3.  Weekly weigh-ins with public shaming (optional but highly recommended for motivation).

4.  Replacement snacks: carrots, almonds, therapy — anything that doesn’t ooze.

Sign this petition to help Austin become the lean, mean, non-dairy machine he was always destined to be. Future Austin will thank us. His doctor will thank us. His jeans will throw a parade.

#FreeAustinFromCheese

#DairyIsScary

#SaveTheCheeseForActualMice

Together, we can make Austin’s diet great again… or at least not resemble a Wisconsin fondue party. Sign now! 🧀🚫