Every time world record-setting athlete and Minnesota native Regan Smith accomplishes something (like, say, winning bronze and silver medals for swimming at the Olympics, etc.), I, apartment record-setting Cheeto consumer and also Minnesota native Regan Smith, receive a flurry of texts, emails, social media posts, comments, and calls from well-meaning family and friends congratulating me in a humorous tone regarding my latest "achievement." 

Although these messages are made in jest, each one is like a dagger to my soul. 

For 34 years I've enjoyed the privilege of name obscurity (NASCAR driver Regan Smith doesn't count). No pressure to perform, no title to live up to. Free to indulge puerile fantasies of my own latent talent and the wild success that was obviously, always, just around the corner, I was riding high on my golden horse of mediocrity!

But alas, no more. 

Along came New Regan Smith. And with each stroke of her arms and kick of her pegs she reminds both me and the universe of just how little I have accomplished in comparison, despite my generous 15 year head start in life. 

Although New Regan Smith brings immeasurable pride to the state of Minnesota, the United States of America, and all female/humankind...due to the slight momentary distress I experience each time she accomplishes something, I think it is only fair that she stop. 

For the sake of mediocre people everywhere, please join me in supporting this important cause. 

Thank you, 
Old Regan Smith