Image by Jason Heuser. Used with permission.

*If you’ve somehow landed on this dumpy page, go find yourself a real petition to sign that helps science or the environment.*

We, “Un-Cucked Physicists for Trump”, demand the fake news media and their liberal snowflake accomplices stop prioritizing facts from our own universe over facts from alternative (also known as parallel) universes that exist in the multiverse, which comprises all of objective reality.  “Alternative facts” are completely factual - just not in the reality we happen to physically inhabit.  We demand universe equality.  And we demand equality of facts between these universes.

As physicists whose work is grounded in the science of quantum mechanics, our mathematical equations prove that every event occurring in our own universe is in fact a branch point that creates two events: one event in our own universe and a second event with a potentially different outcome in an alternative universe. As a necessary consequence, all alternative histories and futures are objectively real. Among other inconvenient truths for liberal snowflakes, there is no question that Donald Trump has had the biggest most bad-ass inauguration in history, that America’s murder rate has been at a 45 year high, and that the Bowling Green Massacre was one of the worst tragedies in American history.

These so-called journalists along with “cucked” liberals love to embrace inclusive political philosophies such as multi-culturism and intersectionality, while rejecting threats to their “progressive” social agendas such as so-called “white male privilege.” Yet at the same time, these same social justice warriors insist on privileging facts from our own universe over those that exist in others.  Where does the hypocrisy end?

It gets worse for liberal snowflakes. Initial findings from our research group indicate that within our own universe, in addition to matter and dark matter, there may also be ‘alternative matter’, which operates according to rigid rules of alternative facts and alternative laws. Like dark matter, alternative matter is not clearly visible.   If further research proves our initial findings, tons of bad things have definitely happened all around us that we don’t even know about.

In the end, maligning alternative facts in news stories threatens our path forward as a nation.  This practice not only creates sensationalistic articles that claim the Trump administration is selling lies, but promotes politically correct narratives that limit facts the Trump administration can utilize to support its agenda.  Please sign this petition to help make the madness end.