My sweet youngest son was born July 26th 2018!

Its hard to describe sitting here in an empty house writing this update and wishing that the whole world knew what day his birthday was and would tell him that I love him and Happy Birthday and how much I want to be there with him on his day. 

I cant help but wonder what he thinks. he was 4 when they took him and we never got a goodbye visit so march 28th was our last visitation and then poof we were gone. 

I wonder what they told him, did they even tell him or does he think we just abandoned him? Does he miss us, will he remember us? Why cant I see him or talk to him? what did I do that was so terrible that I am removed from his life on his birthday? I have a million questions that will probably never be answered and I have no place to mourn or grieve and the most painful part of this is I think of him and what he must be thinking and feeling and I just die inside. 

Conner I love you more then words can even describe, I am sorry that I will not make it to see your 6th birthday. I am sorry we wont be able to make a army cake this year, and we wont be able to go to the fair that we made a tradition sense your birthday is right on those days, If I could see you or talk to you I would tell you I love you more then the whole sky and the sky never ends. and Happy Birthday buddy. You and your brothers are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I think about all of you every second of every day and I will never stop fighting. Fighting for you to come home, fighting for justice for everything you have been through and fighting so no other children need to go through a 6th birthday without their mom and dad. I hope you have an amazing birthday and get all the gifts that you want. Eat some cake for me! and don't forget to brush your teeth when you go to bed! Cake=Cavities.! I love you xoxox Mom.