The end of the year is always a time of reflection and as 2018 came to a close and 2019 rolled in, I looked back on the choices that brought me to this place and the lessons that I have gained on this journey. I thought back to April 20, 2009, the day that I received my 48 year prison sentence and the pain that I saw in my victim's mother's eyes, and in my own mother's eyes. I remember the anger in his father's glare and my resolution to look him in the eye, granting him at least the chance to look his son's killer in the face. I will never forget those tears or that glare.

At my sentencing hearing, the judge read a letter from my victim's younger sister. In this letter his sister said that I should receive life in prison. She wrote, "If he doesn't get life in prison, one day he will be free and enjoying all they things that my brother never will. Should we feel compassion because he is young? Do we think of it as a young person's mistake? I don't think so, his mistake wasn't theft, and it was planning and killing another human being. ...You can't rehabilitate that."

I can only imagine the amount of pain this young woman felt as she wrote these words (pain that I caused) and I have often wondered if she was correct. I took a life and so my life was taken in return... and at least I still am able to see my family, my daughter and pursue my goals. I am blessed in the end. Even if I didn't enter into that apartment with plans of killing anyone, yet and still her brother is dead and I am to blame. I pulled the trigger and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life. Do I really deserve to have my sentence reduced or should I spend the rest of my life in prison?

I do believe that I have been rehabilitated. She wrote that I had no respect for human life and she was right. I did not. I didn't respect her brother's life, I didn't respect my own life, my then-wife's life nor did I respect the future life of my child. If I would have I would not have committed those acts.

She asked, "How will he feel when he meets someone in prison that has no regard for human life? Will he think of my brother then?" I answer: yes. Yes, he will. He will think of him more than you would ever imagine. He will see your brother in the face of every young life stolen by stupidity, laziness and fear. In every prison fight he will think of your brother. In every petty argument and act of violence he witnesses he will think of your brother. I am not the same person that committed those acts. In these ten years I have learned the value of life, the strength of the human soul and the potential for transcendence that lies within us all. I only ask that I am granted the chance to make her brother's death more than a cause to mourning. I ask that I be given the chance to bring all that I have learned back amongst society where it can be used to help others.

I am not looking to shirk responsibility for my actions or defer justice from being served but I do not believe that justice means an eye for an eye. I believe that our prison houses were meant to be incubators of change where a true transformation can occur and not the warehouses of woe that they have become. If this is true then there is no justice in keeping me house for another 30 years; there is only punishment. If punishment is the goal then his sister was correct and my sentence should have been Life, for there is no sentence that could measure up to the amount of guilt, regret and shame that I punish myself with everyday. I will carry the weight of my actions with me each and everyday and no matter where I go, rather a cellblock or suburb. So what is the purpose here? Justice or punishment; rehabilitation or vengeance?

I apologize to all those affected by my actions: his mother, sister, father, girlfriend and all his loved ones that I do not know; my own family; my daughter; my ex-wife; my parents and grandparents; my community and even those reading this who may be reminded of some past hurt. I apologize. There is no excuse for what I've done but know that I am sincerely striving to make all the pain that I caused not be in vain. I will do my best to use 2019 as another opportunity to honor this young man's life and continue to think of her brother as I work to better myself.

Peace.