Assist A Local Citizen With The Jaws of Life

Andrew Dobson, a resident of St. Paul, Minnesota, suffers from a severe case of rectal-cranial inversion. The condition is so severe that we believe it requires intervention from public safety officials before it becomes terminal. 

Therefore, we humbly request that the local fire department make its jaws of life available to assist in freeing Mr. Dobson's cranium from the crevice it has become deeply lodged in. It may, in fact, be his last chance at living a normal life.