I am going to prison for ten years for breaking into Drake's house and stealing his Mr. Peanut figurine. Obviously, while I'm away, I will not be able to pleasure my sexually voracious wife Shawna. There is no one else I would want her to copulate with in my stead--no one, that is, except for Emmy-winning character actor Paul Giamatti. My wife and I are huge fans of his work in Sideways, American Splendor, John Adams, and the Showtime series Billions, and Shawna finds him very attractive, albeit in a schlubby, unconventional sort of way. I believe that if this petition gets no fewer than 20 signatures, Mr. Giamatti will be moved to plow my wife once a week until my release. I would appreciate it if the fornication took place on the air mattress in the basement rather than our bed, but if Mr. Giamatti protests, I am willing to come to another arrangement. Please sign this petition and share it, and together, we can convince Mr. Giamatti to show my wife his "Private Parts" (he was in the movie Private Parts)!